A gypsy in search of life....

An end and a beginning

2011-12-23T05:30:00.000+05:30

Breaking the silence. I was either too lazy to post or either too lazy to think. Much has transpired between the last post and now. We are on the move again. After three years. And I am sad. This place with it's gloomy weather has grown on me. And now that we are about to leave, I am suddenly interested in going to all the places but it is too cold to think of a trip.
I don't know why but I think I will be coming back. A new country beckons. I am half excited, half scared. Maybe I am too old to be playing this gypsy game now. But moving we are.
There was this farewell at the office today and they gave me a voucher for 90 pounds which I think I am going to use to buy an Android tablet because I cannot afford an iPad now - yes I can but i want to wait. It feels nice to know that you are going to be missed. My lead told me to leave my brain behind over here. Heard he has been panicking because I am going. The best thing is that I was told by two of the Managers that anytime I want to come back, I should just let them know. Which makes me secure in the knowledge that if I don't lime the new place or I feel I cannot get the same kind of work-life balance like I do now, I can always quit and come back. My ex-manager said I was the backbone of the team and that it has been a pleasure working with someone who was always willing to do things with a smile. That is me??? I think it must bs the weather that has brought out the best in me. It feels nice to know that you are regarded so highly.
I have about 10 days here. I hate the thought of packing and sorting things to give away, get rid of.

Ha ha ha ha

2011-07-30T02:26:00.000+05:30

No, no. I am not gay. I just chanced upon this site and it is so funny that I could stop myself from logging in and sharing it. The site is damnyouautocorrect.com . I was in the loo going crazy laughing. I have not had such a good laugh over any joke. Go there and come back and thank me for making you laugh. I am signing off to go laugh some more.

30

2011-07-29T02:10:00.000+05:30

This is it - 30 daily posts. That should take care of my annual quota of posts. It as been fun trying to maintain it. But now that I have proved that it is actually possible to have a busy life and still have time to bore the world with the non-events in your life, i think I will go into hibernation. No point in losing the few people who read me (and while I am at it, thank you whoever you are who drop in to read my ramblings) by forcing myself to come up with trite posts just for the sake of posting.

So unless something momentous happen in my life tomorrow - like finding out I am gay or something equally exciting like that- I will not be back till I really, really feel like posting.

Oh wait, did I tell you I weighed myself and I am now 44. Umm, what about celebrating that and continue till I complete 44 posts? Oh shut up, we don't want you anymore. Go away. OK. I get the message loud and clear. You can navigate away from this blog now. I need to sulk.

29

2011-07-28T02:21:00.000+05:30

When you really think about it, the human psyche is quite amusing. A few days back, I was so upset over the way my friend was (mis)conducting himself. If I had been there, I am sure I would have given him an earful and we might even have parted ways as friends. I still don't understand and condone what he has done and what he still seems to be doing but the raw sense of betrayal has subsided a bit. Desensitized. A bit.

But I think of his wife and son and I wonder whether he is still cheating behind her back. And then I think it is unfair, so grossly unfair that you should betray the trust of someone who has been with you through thick and thin. If he is really serious about this slut, then he should do the fair thing and tell his wife and let go. If he is into it just for the physical aspect then he should deserve a STD at the least.

You do not want to think that someone you consider so close would sink so low. That he couldbe so blind as to be misused. That he could be so unprofessional. That he could turn out to be one of those bastards who just cannot resist temptation. But I remember the face of that slut and I think what temptation? No man would be tempted even if she was dancing naked. Or maybe he is just into fat ugly loose women.

28

2011-07-27T02:28:00.000+05:30

In the drama of the stupid affair of my equally stupid friend, I had almost forgotten about the drama in my own life. Whether I would be without a job come august. With my trademark stupid way of sleepwalking through life with no plan in mind, I had almost landed from the frying pan into the fire. Almost. Therein lies the tragedy of my life- that somehow I am always saved and I cleverly forget to learn a much needed lesson.

My lead told me my manager is going to talk to someone very, very high up to see if they will open a position just for me. Wow! How cool is that? I know the answer could be no given the tight budget they are living with. But I am happy that they are willing to go that extra mile to keep me. They could have just told me to go crawling back to my ex-company. But no, they chose to fight for me. That makes me happy. Very.

Contrast this to the people who kept telling me how much of a valuable resource I am, blah blah blah but when push came to shove, nobody even bothered to raise a squeak when I felt provoked enough to leave.

I have always thought my client cold. I mean, they don't go hiya hiying and smiling and hugging you. You never really seem to know if they are happy with you. But I have found that when you really need their help, if you deserve it, they will go out of their way. I found that when they allowed me to work remotely from home, paying me onsite rate at that. And now, this. And then you realize that what matters is that you are appreciated when it counts. No lip service. Just actions.

27

2011-07-26T02:16:00.001+05:30

How, just how, would you react if, out of the blue you discover that a close friend is cheating on his wife and generally making a fool of himself? Do you get angry, sad, helpless and betrayed? Do you feel tears clawing at your eyes?

I have very, very few friends. And because I chose to have few friends, I treasure them. He is one of them. And to find out that he has been misusing his power, betraying his family.

I was so sad, so very sad. And angry. And baffled. All through the day, in a corner of my mind, the thought kept replaying- how could he do this, how could he do this?

I asked someone who had access to my ex-company site to show me the picture of this slut he was carrying on with was. I had to see her face, to try to make it real. And you know, she is not even remotely attractive - I would not even look at her twice if she stepped on my toes in a bus. I would have thought maybe it was midlife crisis if the girl had been a young, pretty one. I would not have condoned it but I would have thought maybe it was hormones. Just to have an excuse to at least try to understand him.

And the worse thing is his wife suspects/ knows. He has a son too - my bloody bastard of a friend. What makes people do things like this? Is a screw so much more priority in your life than your wife and son? I kept thinking of how humiliating it must have been for his wife to make calls late at night to track him.

I don't know what to do. I would not be ableto livewith myself if I did not tell him what I think about thisfoolishness. I know is his life and he can screw all the sluts he wants but I would not condone it. I would tell him just what I think of him.

But then think what if has mended hisways? He is leaving the company and hopefully leaving her behind too.

And that slut. I only wish I was back there. I would have given her something to remember meb by. That fat cow.

And my equally stupid asshole of a friend who cannot even seem to see he is being used.maybe they deserve each other. Maybe they should both suffer from some STD. I am incoherent in my sadness.

26

2011-07-24T20:09:00.000+05:30

I have nor read a book for a long time now it seems. I was thinking of joining the public library - they let you borrow 20 books at a time. 20! That brings back memories of the library when I was in school. You were allow to borrow just one book and return it the next week. It was unthinkable of me to buy books then - they were above my league. Baba used to buy me comics - indrajal, amar chitra katha, chandamana...but the novels I love like Hardy boys, Nancy drew, Enid blyton..I could only think of reading them from the library. I bought two Nancy drew novels in my school life and that was like a very momentous occasion for me.

There were many girls in my class who did not love reading. So, I being I, always finding ways to twist the law - I used to request them to borrow books. I would decide the title, pass it on to them and they would go up to the librarian and borrow the said book and hand it over to me. That way, after each library period, instead of my prescribed quota of one book, I would have 5 or more! How thar I think of it, we must have been very trusting creatures..at least the classmates who borrowed on my behalf. What if I had torn the book or lost it? The blame would have gone officially to them.

Now, I suppose I could afford to buy the whole series of hardy, Nancy and whoever or whatever I choose to read. But I think it would not give me half the pleasure I got when I had those borrowed books handed over to me. Money, fortunately, cannot buy everything.

25

2011-07-23T21:37:00.000+05:30

A bit of sunshine. Had a day out. It was good fun for elf.

Maybe by next week, the uncertainty would resove. For good or bad. either way, it would not be the end of the world. I am beginning to think the trick of living is to just go with the flow and wherever it takes you. But easier said than done I know. But I will try. Am I getting wiser or just tricking myself into believing so? Who cares?

24

2011-07-23T02:22:00.000+05:30

A junior at work who claims to be able to read faces said the first impression of me is that I am arrogant. How true! I am arrogant. Am I? I don't know. I mean, I have been told so many times by people that their first impression of me is arrogance. Is the way I talk? The way I hold my head? Or maybe that I look through people?

When I was in high school, I was told by somebody who later became a close friend (but now out of touch) that I turned out so different when he really got to know me. His first impression was that I was arrogant. Cut to college life and lo, the same observation made by friends there as well.

There must be something in me that makes people think I am so full of myself - which I am. But I would have never thought it was so apparent.

My colleague, bless her kind soul, reassured me today again that everyone in the project thinks very highly of me. To deserve that, I fastened my work pace and completed more than half of the analysis all by myself! Hee, how flattery works! But I needed that. After a long stint off from work, I had thought I have half lost it. But intelligence, it seems, does not desert you easily. Hah, and neither does arrogance and immodesty!!

23

2011-07-22T01:31:00.000+05:30

With age, I have found that I do like being appreciated. I had a talk with my lead- something I was not really looking forward to. He has a sense of sarcasm about him. I was expecting to half mock me. And lo, I was blown away because he seemed genuinely anxious to see that I stay on. He said he would not like me to leave and that he would talk to my manager and see what options they can think of. Wow! I mean, even if unfortunately nothing works out, I would be happy with the knowledge that the people here really think of highly of me. My lead also echoed my colleague's opinion that my manager would not like to lose me.

And to think the company I slogged for eight years took me for granted. Maybe the longer you stay, you get treated like the furniture around. People don't expect you to move.

I hope things work out. And I am so damn pleased to know that I am considered well almost indispensable. Almost.

22

2011-07-21T02:40:00.000+05:30

My future is still uncertain. I have no idea what is going to happen. Which is not really fun. Not that I am sweating but i feel I should really stop this habit of doing things with the blind belief that everything will turn my way. I don't know whether closing this door would mean that other doors would open. I am hoping so.

When I think of it, my entire life has come this far without me planning anything. Which explains a lot of the mess I find myself in.

21

2011-07-20T01:41:00.000+05:30

Still don't know where things will head. So many options but I am wary whether any of them will work out. I am becoming pessimistic with age. But I have had my hopes up - my hopes are helium filled- only to get dashed. So I am wary now.

Maybe by next week I will know where life is headed. It felt nice to have a colleague I confided to telling me that my manager would not want to part with me because he is so impressed with me. That felt good. Much better than being taken for granted. I got a call again and I was told that what I was being offered was the best package they were handing out to anyone here from the company and that irked me. Not everything has to do with money. I would have stayed if they had increased it by just a token amount to try to please me. But I felt like I was being taken for granted. For eight fucking years, I never complained even once about my salary or promotion or lack of it. Maybe it is about time I stopped underselling myself.

But I hope I still have something to do by the time the drama gets over. I mean how tragic would it be if I end up jobless because I am stupid enough to leave one before having another one in the kitty?

20

2011-07-19T01:05:00.000+05:30

Either the scale is way off or I am fading away into nothingness. I weigh 43.6 kg. 43.6. Just 43.6. Not even 44. Is it because I am not having a proper lunch? But I have all the junk food to make up for that. I should be putting on weight, not losing it. Maybe I am dying. Yes, so melodramatic of me, I know.

I have decided to stick to my decision to terminate my contract. Even though the CTC is high, since I have been told I would not be getting any of the tax benefits the others do, my take home is not something I want to live with. Plus the fact that they kept harping on how my CTC was higher than anyone onsite - it made me feel like they thought I was too greedy. And that, I did not like. Another crossroad. I don't know how thigs will end up - I am counting on the reputation I hope I have built up to get me a contract with the client without any middleman- that way I would earn almost twice what I earn now. But maybe they would not want me. oh well, that would not be the end of the world. But it would not feel nice, would it?

I will wait and see where life takes me.

19

2011-07-18T03:50:00.000+05:30

Waiting for Monday blues to strike. I gon't mind office but I hate the waking up early routine that weekdays force upon me.

18

2011-07-17T02:55:00.000+05:30

Actually have nothing to write but logged in just because I did not want to break the continuity. What continuity?

Weekends always end before they start. Thought of baking but left it for tomorrow.

17

2011-07-16T02:25:00.000+05:30

I should stop this blog-every-day drama I have started. But I think just one more day to see how many more days I can take this.

Looking forward to two days of not waking up early and rushing to get self ready for office. I must be a superwoman. Hell, no, I am not. But I still cook after I come back from office. Does that make me half- superwoman? It helps that I just work 7 hours a day- ok, less than 7 hours. I spend just 7 hours in the office. If you take away the tea time gossip, I actually work for 6.30 hours! But since I am superfast, nobody is complaining. Bliss.

I never thought I would say this but I am actually beginning to enjoy working in this project. I have minimum pressure and the tasks I do hardly tax my brain. I would be a fool to leave this job. That is what I think sometimes. I know I would leave given the opportunity to be nearer home, for my mother's sake so she could come and be with us - but I think I will miss this project. Something I never thought I would feel. I did not feel an iota of anything when I left the job before this because I never felt at home with the people there.

16

2011-07-15T02:18:00.000+05:30

SC mailed asking me and SM to call up. That got me worried. I thought something momentous must have happened for him to reach out to us because he has been out of touch despite our (ok, very pathetically infrequent) attempts to stay in touch with hi
. I thought maybe he was getting a divorce or something equally bad. Then I thought maybe there has been a new addition to his family. Yes, I have a fertile imagination, made even more fertile by my rotten thoughts.

Anyway, I called him up. Then he dropped the bombshell - he has resigned. I know, I know. In an age when people change their jobs like they change their undies, this news hardly rate as sensational. But I was among the many in my ex-company to have crossed for than 5 years slaving for the same master. SC too was one. Before I left, I had beeninstigating him to leave too because he was not being given his due recognition.

He is one of the best managers I have seen. But he was being denied what he deserved because they felt he was too young. Bullshit. And the last straw was to make him report to somebody who should have been in a lesser position than him but got up the ladder because of his seniority.

I was so happy to hear the news that he has got an offer from a big company. I hope he thrives there and get what he deserves. I am so happy for my salvo.

15

2011-07-14T01:22:00.000+05:30

Nothing much to write about. Work is so-so. Life is also so-so. Everything is so-so.

This every day blogging should stop. I am running out if thoughts. And i might even save the people who drop by from dying of boredom after reading my posts. Amen.

14

2011-07-13T02:28:00.000+05:30

Tenacious. Yup, that is how someone described me today. I said it sounded like I was a bulldog. Ha ha ha. I think the other groups hate seeing my mails now- I am never happy with their explanations, always end up cross questioning them and being right most of the time. I deserve a bone.

13th

2011-07-12T01:19:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I just get tired of the way people take you for granted and when you show them that they cannot do that, I hate it even more when they try to pacify you. I gave in my termination of contract - I don't even have another contract in my kitty - but I was getting tired of running after them for something they should have not made me run after. I gave them some days but my patience finally gave away. Now, they are after me, calling me up, sending mails. I am going to ignore them and let them sweat. It is about time somebody showed them that their unprofessional attitude would not be tolerated.

My inflated ego thinks the client will not want to part with me. I am not indispensable but I am not going to be easy to replace either. I did the work of two and they all know it. Oh hell, after a month, I might find myself working the tills- good for me, I say.

Maybe, sometimes, you just need to put your foot down.

12th night

2011-07-11T03:24:00.000+05:30

Baked a delicious lemon butter pound cake. He said it had too much butter but it was delicious. Ummm. Actually i did not use lemon but lime. What is the difference anyway? I bought a bag of lime - but be about a dozen lime - from the farmers' market. Now I have to find way to use them before they rot because he will start on how wasteful I am - which to my shame is true.

So I will bake more lime cakes and feed everyone. How is that for wastefullness?

Ema said she attended the kanji chali and joydev chobgba because my niece who was staying over for the weekend wanted to go. I am glad she has not stop living.

11

2011-07-10T02:55:00.000+05:30

Had a lunch invite. I don't why it is that people are never on time. We waited and waited for the other families to turn up but since we had a dental appointment(thank god), we ate without waiting for the others. I guess they will never imbibe the good things like punctuality that the Western world exhibits but would rather pick up other stupid things. Oh well, let them do what they want. I am only glad I had to endure two hours of company.

While on the topic of ex-pats like us, why is that people think drinking is a culture they have to imbibe just because they are on foreign soil? OK, yes, you get good wines at reasonable price. But to say something like you should learn to drink because you are here- heck, that sounds so stupid. No, no one said that to me - pity, I would have bitten their head off - it was an advice given to a colleague's wife by another one. They think drinking wine and wearing revealing clothes make them mod. Pathetic creatures. But they would still throw wrappers on the street and poke their dirty noses into affairs that don't concern them. Why can't they pick up the good stuff like respect for others' privacy, decency and punctuality. Oh to hell to them too.

Day 10

2011-07-09T01:28:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, it is difficult. I mean life. You don't know whether you are alive even. You start taking people for granted and people start taking you for granted. You just drag on from one day to the next. You try to dig joy out of the mundane existence but you get frustrated with the effort you give and the little you get in return.

There has to be something in life other than wake up, rush to office, do pointless stuff to earn some money, come back, cook, eat and sleep just to get yourself ready for another day. I don't even feel like opening my mouth to say anything to him even.

I know I complicate my life. But I cannot help it. I wish for a little escapade sometimes. I just want to live.

Day 9

2011-07-08T02:20:00.000+05:30

It was raining when I woke up. It is such a drag when you think about how you have to walk in the gloomy weather to work even if it is just 10 minutes. I am someone who hates carrying the umbrella or using it. Unless it is raining heavily, I usually walk in the rain without one.

In the afternoon, the sun was shining bright. The weather is just as fickle minded as I am over here- one moment, it is raining, the next moment bright sunshine, the next windy enough to blow me off my feet. And the weather forecast is as accurate as a monkey shooting a bow.

I need a haircut. I need a makeover. I need a life.

Day 8

2011-07-07T03:02:00.000+05:30

I know, I know. The resolution was for just 7 days but what the heck, I am here again. Let's see how long I can do this.

Heard some pretty risqué office romance stories from my ex- company. It sounded like b grade Hindi movie plots. Married man besotted with younger colleague - the pregnant wife threatening to commit suicide. A 'lady' emerging from the gents' toilet - this one was classic. I mean, in the office???? I mean, how frustrated can you get that you cannot even wait for office to end to go somewhere private. And in the loo, ewww...double, triple- timing ladies...I could hardly believe my ears. Well.

Talking of affairs, why would a woman (or a man) threaten to take their life because the spouse strays. I mean, why would your life be worth giving up for someone so low. I can never condone affairs - if you fall in love with somebody else, at least give your spouse the satisfaction of dumping.

I love office when I have work. When I can troubleshoot using my razor sharp brain - ha ha ha, that is a joke if ever there was one. There is a new tool being tested and though I am not even a part of the team, I am helping out an ex- junior who comes to me for help. I being a sucker for anything that I am not supposed to be doing , I am helping out on the sly.

Day 7

2011-07-06T02:25:00.000+05:30

OK, I did it! Blogged everyday for a week. It was not that tough as I had imagined so maybe I should try to at least blog every alternate day. Before I run out of things to blog.

I read an article yesterday about people who love to be alone. I belong to that club. There is so much of company I can stand before I start getting bored. I hate when I am invited by people I hardly know or want to know. Yes, there are a few people whose company I love and I don't mind spending time with them. But I find the majority of people boring - well, I am very sure the feeling is mutual. I hate small talk, I don't like talking about clothes, shoes or anything that most females want to talk about. He thinks I am unsocial - which I am - because I always turn down invitations from people. I mean, just because we were born in the same place and now happen to stay outside does not mean I have to like the company of other Manipuris, right? I know they must think be snobbish but it is not like I care a fig about what they think of me.

I don't remember the last time I was alone - really alone. Apart from the time I sometimes sneak off to the loo to have some alone time - pathetic. In the office I am surrounded by people. At home, the loo is the only place where I can be alone. Such is my life now.

I miss the days at Homestead in CA where I spent the weekend stuck to the bed, some days without seeing another soul and I was so happy. I miss that.

Day 6

2011-07-05T01:38:00.000+05:30

5 months. And it still hurts. But I think of all his sufferings and know that it would have been agony for him to continue any longer. But, yes, it still hurts.

Good day at work. On a Monday, imagine! Opened two defects. Learned to use the new tool and was so excited about it. Specially since I am not supposed to learn how to use it. Hah, suckers. Now, I am going to show my new skill to my project mates. I am planning to change the way the project works. I hate to be dependent on anyone so god help those who try to prevent me for using tools that only a few are supposed to use. No stopping this stubborn pig.

I am actually beginning to like the project now that I am able to get my way to getting access rights. Oui, very soon I will be miss indispensable. Yes, yes, I am conceited. C'mon, allow me one little vice.

SN mailed me, after ages. The sweetheart. Just yesterday, as I was eating dinner, I was thinking of her. I remember visiting her home at churchura and how welcome kaki, kakima and bhai made me feel. I remember her taking me to a mosque and we went up a tower - I don't remember the name - and we gazed at the beautiful countryside. She also took me to a beautiful church. I didn't have a digital camera then and I don't know whether we took any pictures but the memories, though fading since I think my neurons are self restricting these days - are still there and cherished. The past is a nice place to visit at times.

Day 5

2011-07-03T18:09:00.000+05:30

Sunday. Cooked khichuri and ooti, it being kang -rath yatra festival.

I ate too much - I am a glutton. And stupid me, I forgot to bring hajmola back from india. I don't see it being sold at te Indian stores. There is something so comforting about popping a couple of hajmola after pigging out.

I need to become a member of the library - but I am careless with books. I do not think I can deal with the tension of being careful while readin. Maybe I should just stick to second hand ones.

Need to get a haircut too. And dye my hair as well. Thinking of plum this time around.

Any more trivial thing I can think up of? None. I am now going to search for a recipe with chicken and lentil. Because I soaked too much lentil for khichuri and I had to take out some. Chicken and lentil? It sounds like a bad combination, ni? But I have not cooked anything horrible for a while so might as well try out this combo.

I need hajmola.

4th day

2011-07-03T01:43:00.000+05:30

It being a weekend, I have been lazying around. Weekends are the only days I can get up late now that I have joined work. I hate getting up early - OK, I am the last person to wake up in the household but still - it is like some sort of punishment for me. I would have been called names back in Imphal since married women are supposed to be the first one to get up - you know, get breakfast for everyone, take a bath blah blah.

When Baba was alive, he always tried to get me to wake up early. I used to resort to so many tricks - hide under the blanket and pretend I have already gotten up , even taking the trouble to hide my slippers under the bed so he would not check the bed; pretending to get up and go back to sleep after he was gone. Ema somehow always took my side. I told her I get extra grumpy if I wake up early. Sleep is a luxury I love.

His family gets up along with the rooster - I don't know whether they go go cock-a-doodle too. Ema was so petrified about how I would adjust . I adjusted by getting up late! I know, I should have stayed single.

He, to be fair to him, has always let me have my way more or less. So I get to sleep in late on weekends. Weekdays - no way since I still need to earn a living.

3rd day...

2011-07-02T02:07:00.001+05:30

...and surprise, I still have not broken my resolution. What should I bore you with today?
I was working and trying to save a document on the server when the server space ran out!! I mean , wtf? Me being me, this was quite an event, and I went around telling everybody who cared to listen about it.

I cut my finger while slicing vegetables. I was brave and did not faint but wisely went around searching for a band aid which, after much searching, I found on top of the very tall wardrobe. Blame the guy I share my life with right now. Who in their right mind would put the first aid bag so high up that I have to climb up on something to get to it. Isn't it supposed to be kept somewhere easily accessible? No wonder I want to be single again.

2nd day running

2011-07-01T01:37:00.000+05:30

Busy day at office. Time flew by.

My father left some money - he wanted us to do something in my brother's memory. And I keep thinking of how to best do it. I don't like the idea of giving gold plated medals to supposedly meritorious students - I have those and I don't even appreciate them - but then I don't appreciate much in life. I wish I could start a home in my father's and rother's name but I would need more money and dedication than I can afford now . Which makes me sad - apart from traveling, one of my other dreams was to do something in the line of helping people less fortunate. But look at me - I am almost half past my shelf date and apart from material things, I have not achieved much in life. I am not talking career wise - he'll, I would be just as happy wiping tables in a dhaba. As I become older, I seem to get pessimistic or maybe I am more realistic now. Because I chose love over my dreams, I am tied down. Sometimes I wonder whether it has been worth it. I know love is supposed to mean everything but so many things that are supposed to be the way they are, are just not the way they should be. What does that mean?

I keep thinking of the path I have not taken and I keep thinking maybe all my dreams are there waiting for me on that path. Maybe they have given up by now. Maybe I have given up.

Busy busy bee

2011-06-30T02:25:00.000+05:30

OK, I didn't trip on the blogging each day for a week thingy I promised myself so here I am with nothing much to blog about.

Work was busy but I prefer it that way. Before I realized, it was almost time for me to rush off to get the elf. At least now I don't have to count the seconds before I can make a respectable time to exit from the office.

One upside - well, the only one - about being impatient is that I get things done quick. I am actually superfast compared to the folks in the project. And maybe it helps that I am smart too. Hee her hee. How immodest and completely delusional can I get?

I started Hemingway's for whom the bell tolls and found it good reading. The book was under my pillow and then it fell under the bed and I am too lazy to pick it so I am waiting for someone else to pick it up so I could finish it. All such ugly details of my mundane existence are going to assault your senses for the next seven days as I will write anything to comes to my fingertip.

I blog using the iPhone now- oui, how tech savvy am I ?? And I have misplaced the charger for my MacBook and now I cannot use it. It must be sleeping with the book under the bed for all I know.

I was able to get acess right to a tool I am not supposed to be using. A minor victory in a company where everything is so f&@@@@@@@ compartmentalized. Wait till I change all that before they throw me out.

Enough for today I say.

400

2011-06-29T02:40:00.000+05:30

This is my 400th post! And it took me more than a year to go from 300 to 400. Imagine! I thought maybe as a celebration of this very memorable event ( now you know just how pathetic my life is, I am actually celebrating this, I thought I would blog everyday for a week. Scary, eh? I know...

You know, the other day, because I have nothing better to do in life, I was checking out celebrity blogs. I read Big B's blog and saw he blogs almost everyday. What?! I mean, what with his busy schedule and all. I then read somewhere that someone actually ghost-blogs for him. Really? I was disappointed but maybe , just maybe it is really him.

Now, what would I blog about? I am sure to rant, crib, be pathetic. But what the hell? Let me celebrate.

We have a new release coming up and, after days of doing practically nothing, I was swamped with work and time flew like a crow on steroids (what?). So for two weeks or so, I am going to be busy. Which is so fun. It beats getting paid for doing nothing.

Am I supposed to get flattered when people tell me I look the same like I did some 6-7 years back? They say I have not changed. What do they know of my having to dye my hair to hide the grey? But yes, I am almost the same weight and my teeth have not fallen off, my knees still work....

And I was shattered to find I weigh 44.5 kgs now with clothes on. That is not a respectable figure, is it?

2011-06-28T03:02:00.000+05:30

One of my colleagues at work told me she thought I should take up teaching as I would make a very good teacher. Me? I told her I have no patience at all to become one. And she was surprised to hear that I am someone who is patience - deficient; I guess she has never really seen that side of me. It is funny that misconception people tend to have, huh?

she is a really nice lady. I remember her coming up to me and saying hi the first day i joined and I thought what a nice lady. We sometimes go on blabbering when we have nothing better to do. I have never really had a female colleague before, someone I could talk to without getting bored. And it helps that she thinks I am very knowledgable! Ahem! And what I like about her is that if she does not know something, unlike most people, she does not try to pretend otherwise. I like that attitude in people. There is something so off putting when someone just tries to talk his way into making you believe that they know something when it is so obvious that they don't. It is so refreshing to hear someone say something like ' I honestly don't know anything about that.'

So that is one way to impress me - ignorance and an attitude that is not afraid to show you are ignorant. Whatever that means.

Sunshine for a change

2011-06-27T03:26:00.000+05:30

Today was supposed to be the hottest day of the year. And I saw more bare bodied men in my life today than the whole time I have been in this country. It was like all guys with bodies good enough to show off had decided to take off their shirts today. Not that I am complaining.

Even I, the kind who would wrap herself in a blanket if she could to step outside at the merest hint of a gloomy sky, I ventured out in a t- shirt today - that would be the equivalent of me stripping down to my skin.

On the work front, keeping myself busy learning new stuff that I am not supposed to know. What I hate about this place is the fact that every team is compartmentalized - one team is not supposed to have the know-how of the other team. I mean , what the hell? It is not like we are working for rival companies. We work for the same goddamn company. I insist on trying to know what the other teams do. That did not go down too well in the beginning. But I guess my perseverance got the better of them.

One of my ex-junior told me their productivity has gone down now that I am back in the office because we now have long tea breaks - ok, oneong tea break to be precise. He said tea breaks were not that fun when I am not around. Hah! I must be miss popularity herself!

The art of staying alive

2011-06-15T00:24:00.000+05:30

What is the art of staying alive? By that I don't mean just breathing, eating...I mean alive in the sense of knowing what you want, having a sense of direction...I am so fucking bored out of my mind these days- see, I even used the f word. I am that bored. I get no joy out of work - because I have nothing much to do. I should have taken a longer break but the client kept asking when I would join. Rather than not have a job, I joined. They pay me now for spending half the day gazing at the laptop with empty eyes. I would rather have work than sit idle. The minutes seem to crawl painfully slow.

The days are painfully similar, one day bleeding into the next. And half the year is gone even before I realized it.

I guess after some time you have to realize that there is no sense in life, no purpose. We are born, we will die and in between, if we are lucky we would have lived. What is the whole fucking point of earning and making my bank balance fat? Security for the future they say. What the hell! I don't even know whether I want to be alive tomorrow.

I am beginning to fade. Into the nothingness I came from. I don't find nothing much to look forward to because I see no sense in anything in life. Hormones? Phase of the moon? Or maybe I just became wiser.

2011-06-12T20:09:00.000+05:30

i am back..the weather is a bitch...so many things happened in between..birthday came and went leaving me one year older..I do not find birthdays special anymore.. He'll, it is just another day. How does it matter whether you were born on that date many moons back? Why do we celebrate birthdays? I mean what is the point? Are we celebrating the joy of being alive? Just on one day? I am so anti-everything these days.

I was also sick right after the birthday. When it was a torture just to drag myself out of bed. It has been a long time that I have been sick that I had forgotten how much it sucks. It is then you realize that there is nothing like good health. If you are not feeling well, nothing counts. I made life miserable for everyone because I was feeling so miserable. nothing like adversity to bring out the worse in me.

I also returned to work. After nearly half an year of enjoying working from home, not having to bother with deciding what to war, whether I am late...I hate it. But I don't have any excuse of not joining the other ordinary mortals in their daily trudge to work. And as expected from me, all I made in the one month break I took allegedly to brush up my candle making skills were 4 candles... All miserable looking ones. I swear it is enough to make me forget about the dream of a candle shop. But in my defense I was just not in the mood. I need to have that creative juices flowing before I start a project. This time around it was more like forced. I was clever and gave up and went back to books and sleeping instead. Pat me on the back, please.

At work, everybody welcomed me. Umm. That felt good. Also, one of my colleagues from my ex- company who is here said she was frustrated to see me in so good a shape. I don't know whether she was expecting me to have aged, put on weight, look horrible in the intervening years she had not seen me. hah! Good genes.

Life is strange. It throws you in situations that rattle you when you least expect it. One thing I have discovered is that I am the kind of person I wantto be with when I am in trouble. I will initially panic, start tearing my hair and do the stuff drama queens do. And then I will transform into a cool(cold) headed bitch who will go about mending the broken pieces and trying to extricate myself from the holes I keep falling into. I love Myself. Yes I do.

the demons in me....

2011-05-23T20:17:00.000+05:30

Sometimes, i don't know how my bad moods are triggered, how these demons in me awaken. Sometimes, it takes nothing to make me angry with life, with everyone around me. i get angry with ema if she takes too long to answer my call, i do not respond if he asks me something - it is a wonder i have people still in my life. Maybe ties are difficult to break.

...so much to live for. And yet, i squander away my happiness, my life by insisting on being true to my moods, these dark, mind numbing streaks of thoughts that rain on e every now and then. Soaking me to the soul with misery. i wait for the sun to come out but when it does, all i can see is the dark clouds that would drift in after a bright spell.

the goodness in me, have i lost it all, spent away drop by drop trying to feed my demons to retreat? or do i find excuses just to justify the kind of mean bitch i am? the trouble with me is i am a drama queen who loves to wallow in the mud of self inflicted misery, who will tear open a joy to try to find the sorrow inside and cry foul if none is there, who is tainted with cynicism. Such a pity i love the bitch in me.

the long and short of it...

2011-05-17T20:32:00.000+05:30

Putting it bluntly, i am short - though petite seems a better word. Though not short enough to qualify as a dwarf. Growing up in a place where the people are generally not too vertically blessed - though the present crop of generation suggests otherwise - i never felt umm 'vertically challenged' (for the want of a better word).

i have heard it so often from my friends who are short that if there was one thing they would wish for, it would be for those extra inches. And i have been questioned so many times by them whether i hated being short. The answer has always been 'no' and i have always been met with disbelief. They think i am just putting on a brave face and pretending i am happy with what i am.

If i ask myself the same question, the answer is 'no' - i don't hate the fact that i am not tall. i think it is my ego - i mean when you are as conceited as i am, you don't need the 'physical' height. You think you are so above the others that even from my 5' nothing elevation, you seem to tower over those who are physically at a higher elevation than you! Though i concede i am far from perfect (oh thank god for that trace of modesty), i think i am at peace with the way i look. Which would also explain why i refuse to add some inches wearing heels. i do not find shoes with any semblance of elevation exceeding 5 cm comfortable. i love flats, ballerinas, sneakers or just walking barefoot. Anything but heels.

i need a stool or a chair if i have to get things off the top shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes, very unladylike and much to his amusement, i jump up on the kitchen counter to get things off the top shelf. But who cares? Like they say, beautiful things come in small packages!

She does me proud.....

2011-05-16T18:43:00.000+05:30

OK, she is not your ultra educated kind; she does not read hi-funda books; she is the small town woman who always think about what others will say/think. My mother. She of the perpetual worries, she of the large hearted ever forgiving nature.

I talk to her over the phone everyday. I cannot imagine how life must be now without Baba. Yesterday she sheepishly asked me whether she could ask me something. She knows my temper only too well and she knows it takes just one wrong move to make me foam at the mouth- yes, yes, I am a bad daughter. She wanted to know of my younger sister had anyone in her life because she is thinking of getting her married off- you know the usual Indian parents' dialogue of completing all their duties before they die (as of getting your daughters married off is completing your duty but let's not digress). I hesitated. I am the only one in the family who knows of my sister's relationship with someone who is not from our community - I fully support them. The guy had asked me to talk to my family about their intention to get married but with Baba's demise, I thought it best to wait for everyone to get a semblance of order in our lives. My mother said she had asked her friends to find a good Manipuri match for my sister. I told her to stop searching for one. And I told her. I was expecting at least a token murmur of displeasure from her considering how parents always seem to want 'guys from our own kind' . But all she asked wad whether the guy was good . I said yes. I thought she would have protested a bit about how inter- racial marriages are not good. But all she said was we should get her married off once the one year mourning period is over.

Yes, I was left a bit stunned. I had expected to play the large- hearted elder sister supporting her sister against silly family notions of keeping it all within the community. IDamn, I had expected to give a lecture about how we should judge aa person not by his religion or caste or community but by the goodness in him. I had expected to play the large hearted big sister who would arrange to get her sister married on her ownsome despite family protests and threats of ostracism.

Tough luck. It seems I misjudged my mother and her ability to accept things for her daughter's happiness. No threats. No tears of blackmail. Just a graceful acceptance. I am sobproud to be her daughter. Ema, I love and adore you.

Updates

2011-05-09T19:26:00.000+05:30

We got our missing luggage back. Air India is not so bad after all!!

After lot of dilly dallying, i finally placed my candle making supplies order - wax, wick and all those things i need. i am waiting for my lazy ass of a friend to send me my moulds from CA where i left them. If i am lucky, he just might send them before i die of impatience.

Why is it that when i finally get to blogging, all my thoughts evaporate? i mean, when i am doing other stuff like cooking or bathing, i think of the many thoughts i would capture and lay to rest in my blog. But i log in, click on new post and all that i can manage is mundane update nobody would be interested in. If there were such a thing as mental blogging, hell, i would have crossed some thousand posts.

i am forever glued to the 'rental' websites in search of a new place to rent. He wants a house with a garden. i just want a place that is near to my office and with two bathrooms. Most of the houses have only one family bathroom. i have this thing for bathrooms - having lived in a rented flat with one bath with my sister and having had to hammer at the door near about to burst, nothing would induce me to live in a place where i don't have a spare bathroom to run to. He sends me links to properties miles away from my office and kindly suggests i could take the bus to the office saying it will JUST take me 25 minutes. It is enough to want me to smash a commode over his head. The ones i suggest are either too costly - never mind it is less than what we pay now - or not in a neighborhood he likes. i suppose we are stuck in this apartment till they decide to raise the rent or evict us. Oh well...

The journey that was...

2011-05-03T18:44:00.000+05:30

Once again, I left home, a teary- eyed mother, the sultry weather, the crowded streets, the feeling of being home- for earning in pounds..hell, I have my priorities wrong, I tell you. But here I am, in a place where the sun is too lazy to shine.

Of course, since we are cheapstakes we travelled by Air India - and also because they allow you to carry 46 kgs - almost my weight. And of course, it was a journey to remember. The night before the journey, at 12 in the night, the mobile rang and we were told the connecting flight from Kol to Delhi has been cancelled so could we please drag our asses over to the airport at 5 in the morning so they could arrange to send us to Delhi for our flight. That would mean getting up at 3 to get ready - I sorta panicked thinking about how early 3 is - it is an indecent hour to get up from bed except maybe to piss. He set the alarm for 2:30 - I tell you he is a sadistic b&@@&&£))$*€. I almost cried thinking about having to wake before the birds. Anyway, i did manage to get up and we were at the airport at 5. I was very surprised to see the world still existed at such early hours. After a lot of standing in queues, we got our tickets to Delhi by Jet Airways. After more hours standing in queue to get checked in, we finally boarded the flight. And it beats me why they serve so less portion on the damn flight. After Singapore Airlines, it is pretty much hard to travel by any other airlines and notcrib.
We reached our destination only to find one luggage missing - for the first tie in my life I faced the trauma of losing baggage.

We lodged a complaint and came home, tired and sleepy and cranky. And found the lift to the apartment not working. So he had to carry the luggage weighing a ton to the third floor. He, unfortunately, did not break his back -wow, that was mean even for me but remember he set the alarm for 2:30?

We heard that they have been able to trace the bag and they would be sending it over. Imagine! I had given up hope of seeing my poor flea market bought bag.

.....in remembrance

2011-04-06T23:52:00.000+05:30

Today marked the second monthly death anniversary of Baba. Two months gone.

And because life has to go on, i have packed away the memories in little sachets tied with love - packed away because i need to forget to be able to move on. Is that cruel? i don't know but that is my way of dealing with grief and loss. i get drawn in an abyss of sadness if i try to remember, i see his face when i close my eyes, the way he suffered and i don't want to remember him like that. i want to forget enough to be able to remember him from earlier days - like when he fetched me from school and took me to have omelette and falooda; when he bought me those tiny cheese packs; how i used to wait up for him to come home; of being his favourite daughter; pampering me and indulging me when i was fussy about eating; telling me not to study so much when he found me still up at 1 in the night....i am so sad now i could drown. And since i cannot live this way, i choose to forget. Till the time i am healed enough to be able to remember without this pain, till the time i can smile when i see his face.

In his memory, we decided to donate lunch for the inmates of Mother Teresa's Nirmal Hriday. Bachou said it was much better than donating at a temple. i could not agree more. And so Emaibem, Ema and i went to the home today. Since the one at kalighat is under renovation, we had to go to Prem Daan at Park Circus. It took quite a bit of asking around before we could find it. There it was in a squalid crowded lane that could barely let our car in. But the gates opened and we were in another world - serene and peaceful. There were so many foreign volunteers - in fact all of the volunteers were foreigners. Some were feeding the old women, one was clipping somebody's nail, another was darning a torn gamcha (towel). i spoke to some of them - one old shriveled woman said she was waiting for death to take her away from her misery, she can no longer walk, constipated....i was almost in tears to see the sufferings. i do not have much stomach for human tragedy...It was a humbling experience. Ema and Emaibem served the inmates along with the volunteers.

i thought ice-cream would be nice in the heat after the lunch. So i got permission from the sisters to get ice-cream for the inmates. i took B, our trusted driver, and we went off in search of ice-cream in the by-lanes. i think he was worried about me and he told me to stay back and he would go alone as it was not the friendliest looking neighbourhood. i waved away his fears and we managed to collect the required number from two shops. It was a treat to see them enjoying the ice-cream and i thought for less than 10 pounds, you could make the day for 50 people.

We gave away all the leftover syringes and medicines - kind of cleaning up and letting go, step by step. Also, i managed to get my sister to open her dreaded wardrobe and after an afternoon spent with me holding up one garment after another asking 'Staying or going' and Ema and my sister deciding whether to keep it/give it away, we managed to glean two big, big bags of clothes to give away. There were some clothes that even had the tag intact!! Why do women buy so many clothes? Beats me.

Ema wants to set up a trust in Baba's and my brother's name - give away gold(plated) medals to students. i said i would rather sponsor some poor deserving students rather than dole out medal to students who would then keep it hidden somewhere (i should know, i have them hidden away god knows where). Only trouble is finding genuinely deserving students. If you know of any, please suggest.

check.. check...check-up

2011-04-05T00:05:00.000+05:30

In the last 10 years, i have had 8 medical tests - those stupid mandatory tests you have to undergo before they let you travel outside. And i have not seen the reports or heard anything about the condition of my heart, chest, stool or urine. Ever. Which makes me think i must be very healthy!

i went for one today.

i hate these tests - for one thing i have to get up early and present myself to be prodded and poked and blood sucked out. i cannot understand why they have to insist on taking so much of my blood considering that i don't have much of it.

i don't like the gel they apply before they attach electrodes and monitor your heart or whatever else they monitor. i don't enjoy changing into those sacks which pass for gowns and look like some human drowning in a gown. i don't like them making me read out the letters or trying to make sure i can spot numbers hidden in colourful circles. i don't like drinking half a bottle of water and then squirming about ready to burst waiting for the USG.

And today, after they drew blood (fasting), they offered me a glass of glucose laden water. Damn. i was expecting sweet, milk, banana, egg...anything but a glass of glucose.

And it is funny how the GP always assumes that you being female they can just cross out the 'Do you smoke?'; 'Do you drink?' questions. i don't smoke (unless you count the one time i took a puff of a bidi when i was a kid - yes, i started early -or the one time i smoked grass in Univ) or drink. But hey, i would at least like to be asked.

i was told twice today that my Bengali is so good. Actually it was more like 'Tumi khub sundar bangla bollo' (You speak beautiful bengali) and i went my usual 'oh ekhane onek din hoye geche tai jonno'. The other day someone told me 'Tomar Bangla tah khub poriskar' (Your Bengali is very clear). It made me feel as if my speech was a stream, flowing clear! Hah! i think it is because they don't expect me to be able to understand a single word of Bengali and then i open my mouth and ask something simple like 'Bag tah ki ekhane rakhbo?' and they literally spin around and do a double take. But then i remember being just as unbelieving when non-manipuris speak Manipuri.

Oh yes, and i have gained weight. One kg to be precise. But the lady who took my weight asked me 'Oto roga keno?' (Why are you so thin?). She was a nice one - even help me get into an ugly green gown that made me look like a chinky caterpillar! Ha ha ha...

And we celebrated Meitei New Year today. Katla mach, eromba and salad. When it is your mother cooking, well, everything tastes good.

...

2011-04-04T15:34:00.000+05:30

i want to have my cake and eat it too...And when you are stupid enough to want that, then you are in for heartache.

Calcutta revisited

2011-04-03T00:29:00.000+05:30

i love Calcutta. It does not have anything to do with the fact that i have stayed here for so long. i love it because it has a soul. Can a city have a soul? i don't know but this place is where i feel at home, home away from home. i love Imphal too but it is a love tinged with angst, of a love that somehow feels unrequited, unfulfilled. Like mooning for something that you know you can never have.

Calcutta has changed - what with its swanky malls and numerous flyovers zigzagging everywhere. The geography has changed - i can no longer find familiar landmarks, shadowed as they are by newer landmarks i do not recognise. But there are places still untouched, still the same as i left them years ago. Like the 8B market. Still the same murghir stall, the same dada who recognises me after 5 years, who fondly complains that i no longer buy from him and says i have become too thin, who tells me 'abar aasben kintu, didi' (But you must come again). The same vegetable vendor who always ask me where i have been, who throws in a lebu extra.

And then i know why i love Calcutta. Because of the people. Them fish eating, adda loving people. Sometimes, i forget that i am an outsider. But like SN tells me 'Tumi toh ekhon Bangali' (You are now a Bengali). She believes i have become one now that i can speak Bengali!

i love this place for having given me the few friends i have -M, SN, SM,SC, SS, ...Oh, i have only five friends!! Eeeeks.....And yes, him.

i went to New Market the other day. i have never gone there alone before. It has always been either with friends or him. i went searching for this shop called Elegant located near Globe. And it was no longer there. Empty space where it once stood. i felt sad. New Market is the kind of place where i can be guaranteed to get lost and never emerge - but then i have been known to get lost even in the office. i mean, you can enter from one side and emerge at another end from where you have no idea where the other end is. So i went in, came out from another end, dazed, lost...Went in again, came out at yet another unfamiliar end. In the end, i was able to emerge with my sanity intact, with almost a triumphant swagger!

Gariahat is almost the same. The footpaths still spills over bedsheets, t-shirts, shoes, bags, leggings and almost anything you can ask for. People still haggle.

One place i have not visited is my Alma Mater. It is but 5 minutes from where i stay but something stops me. Maybe i am scared of encountering ghosts from the past still roaming about the places i loved/love. So i just gaze at it from the car window and imagine nothing has changed inside - that the basketball court would still be stained with our footprints, that the jheel would still ripple with the sounds of our laughter....

But for whatever reason, Kolkata, ami tomake bhalobhasi.

Missing....

2011-03-31T19:46:00.000+05:30

She came today after i had finished sweeping and moping - i didn't think she would come because it was getting late. i thought she must have taken sick like she is wont to. One look and i knew something was wrong. She said her grandson is missing and that she had stayed up all night crying and they still don't know where he is. At the best of times, she is a confused female, scared of everything.

i told her crying was not going to do any good - i am so against tears these days - and gave her some money and told her to go and file a missing person report at the police station. She asked me whether the police would charge money - i told her they should not but i am not sure. She asked me to pray for her grandson to return - i, the non-believer, the cynic - and i told her everything would be OK as if i know what is going to happen tomorrow. She cried some more, i patted her gingerly on the shoulder and told her to go to her daughter.

And i thought how terrible it must be to have a loved one missing - the uncertainty of it all, every waking moment wondering where he is, whether he is OK.

And Ema said she thought people only go missing in Manipur. If it had been Imphal, i would have been doubtful of the outcome - here, i have some hope for her grandson. i only hope he is OK and that he would come home. To his family.

this and that

2011-03-30T23:41:00.000+05:30

Finally went to submit the visa application yesterday. Unlike the US visa, i did not have to put up with silly questions, just waited while a giggly female looked over the documents, took 200 bucks to keep me updated by SMS on the status and sent me off to get my biometrics done. Over in about 45 minutes.

Of course, finding the place was a bit tricky what with my non-existent geographical knowledge. i bravely tried to find the place in google maps, got confused even more if that was possible. But what is Kolkata without its kindhearted souls ever willing to guide lost damsels to obscure destinations?

Now have to wait till i get the visa stamped - if they don't reject it, that is. Got my ex-company to give me an offer to get my own visa so i would have to depend on his visa. They quoted a salary that was much higher than what i expected that for a moment i was flustered. Ummm....Thought i would not trust my ears and asked them to mail me the break-up of the components just to check i have heard them right. That was smart of me, eh? Like they keep telling you, get everything in writing.

There are many loose ends i need to tie up before i leave but as usual what do i do - nothing. And i will start rushing around at the last moment and get nothing done. i am so damn unreliable.

At times i don't want to leave but then i think of the good it would do for everyone -well, honey, money does matter. If it were not for the pounds, i will still be here. The things we do for money. The pain we buy for it. And in the end, it would not have been worth it. But still, i succumb....

on why i don't drink...anything stronger than coffee that is...

2011-03-24T00:18:00.001+05:30

.not because of religion as i am affiliated to none
..not because of society as i have broken almost all rules
...not because i am a good girl
....not because of health reasons

Maybe because i am too drunk on my own self to want to be intoxicated with anything else. Maybe because i hate to lose control. Maybe because i might end up skinny diving from the balcony into the cold river below..Or maybe just because i don't want to drink. Simple.

All of the above, however, is negated by my yet to be fulfilled desire to get stoned on LSD. Just once. Since the likelihood of my getting hold of LSD is as probable as say me getting the businesswoman of the year award, sigh, i will forever remain uncorrupted by spirits or drugs of the illicit kind. Such a pity. Mine was/is a nature that would have definitely lent itself well to being corrupted to the core. Very well, i have my lebu cha and orange juice to drown my sorrow in. If i were sorrow, i would like to drown in sweet, tangy citrus juice rather than piss-smelling wine. Chee, what stuff do i come up with? You go drink your glass of wine - red, white or whatever colour is in vogue while i go sleep before i start raining more drunk-sounding words.

The first step...

2011-03-22T23:41:00.000+05:30

....Come April, i am going to take a hiatus from my job for two months. Just want and need a break. And maybe to explore the candle business idea a wee bit. i know my candles will sell - my over-confidence sometimes grates but bear with me.

Of course, it will pinch me giving up such a well paying job where i do not have to exercise my grey cells that much or slog. But money is not everything or so i tell myself. And if i could make this a success, i would be doing something i absolutely love and getting paid for it. What more could i ask for? well, more books?

As a first step, what do i do but get my pranner bondhu SM to present me two books on candle-making. He owes me my birthday gift from last year; till now i have not been able to think of anything i want - but when this idea germinated, i thought i would call in belated gifts! i know i am so shameless but who wants to be bashful when you can be shameless? The kind soul he is, he has bought those books. i can't wait to get them.

Now i need moulds and wax and dyes and scents and wicks and sealant and what-nots. i am actually getting a bit excited about this. OK, a lot excited.

You know, when i go shopping and i see candles selling i always think 'hell, i could make much better candles'. Maybe now, it is time to see how well i fare. Even if i fail, well, at least i would have tried to live one dream.

To the gypsy who wanted to be a chandler...may her candles sell!

a house for the gypsy...

2011-03-22T00:08:00.000+05:30

When i first came to Calcutta, i found it stiffling. It was not just the heat and humidity but the apartments. Having always stayed in a big house with a huge courtyard and garden, i found the lack of space suffocating. That and the fact that all the doors were always closed! i can remember only one or two incidents when our house at Imphal was padlocked - otherwise the doors were open till we went off to sleep.

Of course, i cannot afford a house here - i would have to sell myself and all my sisters and cousins too. A flat, yes. A house complete with garden, no. Maybe if we buy a plot and construct our own house, maybe.

In the land of the gloomy weather, the two apartments that we have stayed in have been livable because of the french windows which give a sense of space. The one that we rent right now overlooks a river and it is refreshing view. Sometimes if i am lucky i can even see the swans with their cygnets.

i have had enough of living in apartments. i want to move to a house. But most of them seem to have tiny rooms and though the thought of a garden is tempting, i would hate to live in rooms where you would bump the wall if you so move to scratch your bums.

He hates the fact that i want everything - a house with big rooms AND garden AND en-suite AND within our meagre budget. ummm...

Maybe what i need is a caravan parked under the skies. Or maybe a reality pill. Or maybe just a house....

on a sunday evening, thus my thoughts flow....

2011-03-20T16:52:00.000+05:30

Drop by drop, life bleeds. i gather the drops in broken fragments of dreams where they breed the flies of discontent which feed on wounds i inflict on myself. Oozing pus of more discontent.

Stitch by stitch, life unravels. i pick up the threads and try to mend the holes of relations - of heart and blood.

One by one, death snuffs out loved ones. First the brother. Then the father. And you pray that you would never have to see another loved one lying on a bed, unaware of the passing of day or coming of night.

Post by post, i blog. Inane thoughts and laments of a wounded soul.

Envy....

2011-03-18T23:56:00.001+05:30

For someone so smart, you would think i would not envy anyone. But these days, i seem to envy everyone...i hear about this woman from our locality who left her abusive husband and i envy her guts..i see someone wearing something that does not suit her and i envy her confidence...i see people volunteering in disaster zones and i envy their courage..i see people starting their own business from scratch and i envy their pluck...i watch ants scurrying and i envy their thoughtless existence....i look at birds flying and i envy their freedom....

There is something beginning to go wrong with me. It is this seed of discontent that has sprouted. Maybe it is the realisation that life is too short, too unpredictable. And i seem caught in this web of ennui from which i cannot escape. And so i sink deeper, letting envy bite its fangs into flesh already weakened by the ravages of the demons and the dark thoughts that i unwillingly give shelter to in some corner of my mind. i envy everyone....their unthinking, unquestioning enjoyment of life..the way they find happiness in solitaire and Prada bags and designer clothes and shoes...

And i am a snob who would not deign to find pleasures in material things, who would shift through thoughtless thoughts and try to find meanings in things that have no meanings, who will dissect emotions till all that is left behind is tatters of relations gone sour because you poked too deep, who thinks herself a queen when all she is is just a nameless slut who peddles her mind to people who can pay her in pounds while she blogs and eats jalebis, in that order...

Do you think too - about life? Do you wonder too what this is all about - these faceless days and nights and us sliding from one to the next? Do you fret whether this slogging for money and name and fame or whatever it is that we slog for is worth it in the end? Do you realise too the futility of our existence? Do you lay awake too, alone with the moon for company, begging for the answers to life's questions? Do you read your old diaries and think of the past like it happened to someone else?

Or do you just live? Without questions? Without seeking answers? see, i envy you....

love and other such inane stuffs

2011-03-17T13:31:00.003+05:30

Sometimes, I think ..yes, please don't smirk, I can think. I think love is so over-rated. And sometimes i think I don't know what love really means. Is it the passion driven, lust stained, fight-infested thing I share with him? Am i capable of caring for anyone other than myself? Sometimes I think I lay too great an emphasis on my desires, my feelings that I come across as heartless and at times, I think what is life if it has not to do with me. I go void of all emotions at times - when I think 'to hell with everything, even me'...these days they prey on me more - my demons. And even sleep, my ally, seems to desert me. I hate the feeling of laying awake trying to lull my senses to sleep, of trying not to think of things that should not be thought of.
I could do with some LSD tablets. That or a whack on my head.

I thought I would take up candlemaking again after a hiatus of nearly 4 years. I wish I could start a small candle shop somewhere quiet, at the corner of a cobbled street, with bells on the door that will tinkle when someone walks in, I would serve tea to them and we would gossip about the weather...I will make candles in all colours of the rainbow and smelling of green apple and jasmine and rainforest and the rain..I will have quaint rugs on the floor, wispy curtains shielding the windows. I will paint the walls red and black ...I will have pictures on the wall- the one painting I fell in love with of a rain soaked street of Calcutta, the painting I never bought but I will find it one day..on rainy days, I will sit by the window with a book and watch raindrops play sliding games on the window panes..I will sip hot tea and though the tills would be almost empty and i would have to count my changes and think twice before I buy myself a book, I think i will be happy.

Imphal, nungshibi Imphal

2011-03-15T00:08:00.001+05:30

Traffic lights and traffic jam - red, green and yellow lights; still functional and traffic jam on a road I have never seen crowded...this is what welcomed me to Imphal this time ...and the cold...and the darkness once the sun sets.At first I had decided I would not linger, that I would go back once the ceremonies were over. But i stayed back for another 10 days or so.

Yes, the power situation makes me want to holler- load shedding every other day or rather hour. And even on the day the much awaited electricity is supposed to make her rare visits, she ditches you. My mother and sister says almost defensively, phase sudabane, meidi lak-esidi...(apparently the voltage is so low that all it can light up is maybe a zero wattage bulb). And for the first time in my life I see water being supplied from the reservoir - miracles would never cease - so no more lugging heavy pump to the river to get our much needed h2o..yes, I am not talking about some far flung village in Manipur but right in the heart of Imphal...and nobody complains...they buy inverters, generators, even buy water. People seem to accept this as a way of life. I want to shake them and tell them they should not accept everything so quietly, that they should protest like only we manipuris can protest - JACs and sit-in-protests, rallies and hunger strikes where people on full stomachs gossip...

But, when I look up at the blue sky, I think I have not seen a bluer one...at night when I look up and see the sky studded with stars, I think I have never seen as many stars as I see here..in the lazy afternoons, when I hear the silence, it pierces my heart with its loudness. And you want to cry and ask whoever is responsible for the mess my motherland is in - why have you spoiled her so we can no longer dream of coming back for good, can never think of bringing our children here to grow up like we did...

From the window of the plane, I bid my adieu not knowing when I will be back...

there she blows...

2011-03-06T00:21:00.001+05:30

Life limps back to normalcy - almost. i try not to think about him, i console myself that he is in a better place...It has not been even a month...i think we tend to forget because it is so much easier than to remember....what wisdom from so unwise a soul???

i did not get the job i coveted. Just like the fox and the sour grapes, i begin to think maybe it was for the better, i don't know whether i want to shift base this soon...maybe someday, Singapore, you will have to welcome me..For now, i will have to be contend with the fickle english weather...but before that, i get to spend some more days in my favourite city - Calcutta. It is my second home - crowded, dirty, polluted but still lovable - maybe it reminds me of myself - so many warts but still loved by those i want to be loved by...

i get tired of the many times i have been told i speak such good Bengali. My sister actually snarls when she hears it - i think she may be jealous! i used to get flattered and if i were honest, i still do get flattered but sometimes it grates. Yes, i am ungracious too.

i honestly want to give up my job. i am so done with analysing and whatever else i am supposed to do. Yes, it boosts my ego that i am missed when i am not around but i want to break free. If only i had enough sense to have married an old millionaire...Money, i work only for money. i am a mental prostitute. i think life is too short to be working for money but money makes the world go around and so, i hawk my brains for a living...since the mind is considered more precious and sacred than the body, isn't selling your body less morally wrong than selling your mind? Yes, i am going mad.

i actually ate 5 jalebis yesterday and i got a stomach ache for the trouble. i am a glutton and i weigh only 45 kgs now....what is the connection??

i have been reading them silly romance novels and shedding tears. i am ashamed. No, i am not. i love my cheap thrills and Mills&Boon i thrive on these days. i do not want to read any thought provoking novels just now...i just want to gobble up stupid stories of incredibly sexy macho man and impossibly beautiful damsel falling in lust and love and doing all such things that they are supposed to do to make stars explode and waves crash. ummm, maybe i am with the wrong man because i have never experienced such galactic and oceanic impact.....food for thought...definitely.

i coloured my hair again - mahogany or something...i will do cherry black next....i want my hair to fall off and become bald....anything for a change...would i look cute? or maybe horrible...colouring my hair is the only adventurous thing i can do with my looks. i want a tattoo but i don't have the guts...i could go for a gothic look but since i hate using make-up, it would be incomplete. How would he react if i went to the airport to receive him wearing a mini-skirt and full blown make-up? And maybe stilettos? Would he disown me? But he does not own me to disown me....What am i writing? i think i should think before i write...But would you get to read such inanely sweet words if i censored my thoughts? Oh god, please silence this woman...

Back

2011-03-02T22:48:00.001+05:30

I am back from Imphal after all the ceremonies. How fickle is the human mind ... although it still hurts, life continues even when such an important part of my life is gone ...you begin to realize how dispensable you are...Life will continue even when you are gone.

Maybe because I so wanted my father to have some relief from all his pain, his end was something I had wished for- does it sound so cruel?But when you see someone you love tossing and turning ,
in so much pain, stripped of his dignity to perform the daily rites we perform so thoughtlessly and easily you begin to wonder whether it is not cruel to wish him to stay on just so you do not want to lose your father. It was so tough to see the man always so enjoying life unable to even eat and wasting away slowly before your eyes. You begin to wish for his miseries to end, for him to sleep peacefully, to be in a better place.

At least, I got to hold his hands and tell him I love him, that he need not worry about my other
and my sisters and that I would always take care of them till I die..,

I am returning back to normal life but when I see his smiling face in the photos, a pain gnaws at my heart...my father, a man who stood by his principles even when he was alone on one side ith the world on another side, a man who taught me by exampe to have the guts to stick to what you feel is right...he did not live in vain.....

Baba, I miss you..I miss how you always provoked me just because you found it so endearing when i get angry and start grumbling, I miss how you always pampered me, how you used to be so proud of me and showed me off to your friends - how I hated it then but now, I wish you would call out my name..how you always find something for me to buy for you at the last moment....your childlike demands...

Oh baba, I love you....

baba....

2011-02-06T22:49:00.000+05:30

Baba, i love you and i know you are in a better place without the pain to rob you of sleep. i hope i have the strength to take away Ema's and my sisters' pain. Baba, goodbye. i have not been the best of daughters but i have loved you in my own ways....

....

2011-01-25T00:47:00.000+05:30

....i rescued a bag of books from his evil clutches. i found a bag of books on the balcony of his (our) place. i knew he had kept those books there because they were all lying unread, untidy. i think he meant to throw them away - i could almost hate him for that - but i guess better sense prevailed and he dumped them there.

It had been lying there for ages. Of course, i knew the bag contained books but i thought they must be the read-once thriller books bought second hand from the library.

Since i have the book case now, when i visited his/our place, i opened the bag and horror of horrors, what do i see but all my precious first-hand books i bought from the boi mela- some of them still untouched. And to think he was thinking of throwing them away. i lovingly dusted them and dragged them all the way to my place where they now reside peacefully.

i am thinking of dumping his Bose sound system on the balcony.

incoherent ramblings..

2011-01-19T00:26:00.000+05:30

i find it most amusing that i think some of my deepest thoughts in the loo and when i am in a bus/taxi/car by myself. The loo, ah, isn't it lucky for my thoughts that i am a constipated soul - now, what does that mean?

i like long rides - in fact sometimes i just wish life was just one long bus ride where i could sit back, doze and think, dream, look out the window and stare at people wondering what their lives are like. i think i am a voyeur...

i am re-reading some of the books - it feels a bit like renewing old friendships..The boi mela starts next week..i would love to buy more books. Ema looked at all the books in the book case and said something to the tune that there were too many books and wondered why when i would not have the time to read them ---i was offended and told her i have read every one of them.

He thinks all my silly ideals arise from the books i read. Maybe he thinks i would have been more human if i read less...everyone seems to think i am too different...

i have a craving for swans - i know, they are such beautiful creatures and who but the wicked would even think of eating them...i remember the wild ducks that used to swim in the lagoon and how i used to tell SM that we should ducknap one for the wok...i am such a heartless glutton...no feelings for the other living creatures...

i feel the need for a career change - maybe it is midlife crisis or something like that..i know i do what i am expected to do very well but i am getting bored of it...There used to be a time when at least i was motivated because i had the kids at work to nag...i think i want to open a candle shop...or maybe a roadside dhaba...or maybe a paan dukaan but i hate paan...or maybe i should become a homemaker - i will make a poor one at that..i have neither the skills nor the patience.

My sister installed solar panels back home at Imphal so now she says there is light everyday...that is like a luxury back home...How sick is that something essential like that is a luxury for some in this age?? And that everyone accepts it as a way of life...

Yesterday was Emoinu - it is a Manipuri festival worshipping Emoinu - i don't know whether she is the goddess of the kitchen or something else. Even though i do not believe in anything that says 'worship', i bought sweets and flowers for Ema so she could at least feel happy..and maybe because i wanted to eat sweets...glutton...

Life drags on...the same day, the same night...with some variations thrown in...Is this what it is all about? There has to be more to it...now, if only i can find out what....

Memories calling.....

2011-01-17T17:37:00.000+05:30

Got out all my books from their dumping ground - under the bed, in the loft, unread, unloved for long...dusted them, and arranged them in the new bookcase- with my sister and my little elf helping out. OK, my sister did most of the work while i looked at the books trying to remember...

i have so many books - old ones almost falling apart which i bought from
second hand because i was not able to afford new ones, shiny,new ones that i bought after i started earning enough to indulge myself, books gifted by
loved ones...

Along with the books emerged some photos from old days - i looked at the pictures and thought how pretty i looked in some (yes, i am immodest and delusional) - still fresh, yet to face the many demons slumbering inside me..And i remembered the places i have been to, the people in the photos - some lost, some still there in my life...Alas, people cannot be captured in your heart like memories...they drift away, they die, they desert you...you desert some...

And suddenly, i missed the places i never thought i would miss -like CA...i was always counting the days to go back when i was there but now that i know i will never go back again, i miss it...i miss the walk by the lagoon..i miss the Flea market, i miss the Dosa shop at Sunnyvale, i miss the kubide from Rose Market, the pork chops from that place whose name i don't remember....

Isn't life funny? You never treasure the moment till it slips away from you and become a memory....Why can i never learn to live ???

life is the same....

2011-01-13T00:26:00.001+05:30

...in the new year. You begin to wonder why we even wish other new Year - how would changing the year from 2010 to 2011 make any difference to anyone? Would it mean less pain for those who suffer? No. Life will remain the same even if the calendar changes.

Met SM after god knows how many years - and that too for less than an hour. He was here just for a couple of days. With close friends, it does not matter whether you have not met for ages - you always feel like it was only yesterday that you parted.

And i gave away three bags of clothes to the maid. Some of them never worn even once. But kept some old ones for memories' sake - like the Lee tshirt he got for me when we started going around, the shirts i painted, his old t-shirt that i snitched from him, sweaters Ema knitted for me with leftover wool....

Still have not got around to dyeing my hair. Maybe i should just let the gray hair be - i would look more mature, eh?

Got a new bookcase so i can dump all my books there. Cannot remember the last time i bought a book. i am trying to finish reading the ones i bought earlier and neglected to read.

Winter is here - i must be growing old because i can feel the chill in my bones and i run around the house checking to see if any window is open. It must be worse in Imphal. Hell, i would refuse to budge from under the blanket if i was there and cosy up to the water bottle.

one last post

2010-12-31T00:49:00.000+05:30

..just could not resist cribbing one last time before this year ends.

OK, so one more year gone..makes you wonder why anyone bothered to have this whole concept of year (i know, i know but please, please let me let off my steam at something)..And now, there will be fireworks and drinks and drunks all welcoming another year that will only bring misery to people like me who just cannot open their eyes to the good things in their life but will continue counting their woes.

i am working from home and getting paid in pounds - heck, i deserve at least something to smile about, not that getting paid for slogging your ass off is not something to smile about. Maybe it is since i do not slog my ass but still manage to get the work of two people done. Yes, i am so low that i am actually blowing my trumpet because there is nobody else to do it for me. i don't even know what i am writing.

For someone who used to fall asleep when her head hits the pillow, i find i am awake for what seems like ages before sleep claims me. Which is so fucking irritating. Yes, i am swearing. My mouth, my blog - i will sully them when i like. God, what is wrong with me? Anyways, i hate it when i find i am awake when i would rather be in dreamland because that is the only time when i can escape life's cruelty. Is life cruel or do i make it cruel? Oh shut up, not on the last day of the year. Stop being such a psuedo philosopher and just be the bitch you are. Yes, i am talking to myself. Please shoot me.

i realised that there is something therapeutic about scrubbing the toilet. Yes. And as i furiously scrubbed, i thought of how more meaningful my life would have been if i had become a municipal sweeper or a public toilet cleaner. i mean, i would have really done something that would have made a difference to lives - clean toilets and roads. Just imagine. i think i would have been happier doing something menial instead of being stuck with a label of software consultant or whatever crap designation they foist on you. i wish to God i had less brain and more patience.

i need to cut my hair again - he loves it long but i hate looking after long hair - just once in my life did i get it to grow shoulder length. Never after that. And i will dye my hair mahogany this time in the hope that i become a tree. What crap do i write???

And i went to the market wearing mismatched sandals - one pink and one purple. Not intentionally. No one seemed to have noticed. Maybe they were too caught up with my uncombed hair to gaze down. What next?

Actually, i am having withdrawal symptoms for not having had my dose of jalebis.Blame this year-end ranting on sugar deprivation.

To another day that will end up just like today.

looking back

2010-12-25T23:17:00.000+05:30

Just a few more days and this year would be gone too...and i wonder how fast the days flew. And it has left me still the same - imperfect, impatient, unkind, bitchy...

Still have not found the answers to the questions that clutter my mind. And i have no hope of finding them - many some things are best not found (whatever that means).

Life saddens me...i drift away from all i love..slowly, sleathily...and the worse thing is i don't care...maybe that is my way of dealing with life - running away. Oh well, i have always been a coward.

i dream of being alone - all by myself. Maybe because i know every bond that ties would hurt when it breaks, which it will one day or the other. And i have failed to realise that is not the way to live life. Or maybe i realise it but i am too scared. Oh hell, why i am running around in circles chasing my tail at the end of the year???

A colleague wrote to say she hopes the new year will be kind to me. Can life ever be kind?? i wonder....And on that note, i bid this year goodbye. But not before saying that i am ungrateful for not counting the good things in my life and cribbing and crying about the bad things. There i go again.....

2010-12-03T22:40:00.000+05:30

i need to write..but nothing is in my head....or rather, everything is in my head but nothing comes out...

Is it cruel of me to wish away all bonds - every relation i have held close, every love i have treasured ?? But i feel this way now....i just to cut loose all bonds...i just want to be by myself...would i bleed less then? would these dark thoughts be bleached ? would my mind find peace ? would the dark demons in me die in their sleep then?

What do i want? what do i long more?

....

2010-12-02T23:55:00.000+05:30

Have not blogged for so long that i had even forgotten my password and had to recover it! Oh life and the challenges it throw at us. You want to ask why, why, why....and there is no answer...It is like the Budha asking the woman who wanted her son to be brought back to life to find a house that has not witnessed death. But, still you cannot help but wonder whether life is unfair.

i have no desire to be in touch with anyone, not even myself. Life is a haze right now, from one day to the next...and the hardest thing is that he is not here with me - at least it would have been nice to have a shoulder to lean on at times when life gets too much to bear.

Sometimes i just want to drift off...renounce everyone and everything and just float away on my own. Would it be nice not having any ties tying you down, no love to make you bleed ?

What is life? This pain i see, the sufferings ? Sometimes you just fail to see the whole point of life...Or maybe it is just me not able to see things for what they are...i don't know...i don't want to know....

i would like to drown in my own tears but knowing life i just might end up with a bloated stomach full of tears..whatever....

And i find i am angry with the whole world - how dare anyone be living and enjoying while i am not ? Why do i have to go through this baptism by fire every other year - of seeing a loved one fight a losing battle ? WHY ME? why me? why me? i am such a coward....and a whiner...and a loser...

And i am getting addicted to jalebis, of all things. i would have preferred lsd but jalebis are a fine subsitute...Did i mention that i am losing my mind? i also dyed my hair burgundy but the pity is only the grey ones picked up the colour so i have a crown of black and burgundy hair - the things people do to run away from misery. Next you will see me with my hair dyed pink.

...

2010-08-28T17:11:00.000+05:30

there are times in life when i wish i had in me to believe in something divine so i could hope for a miracle. But the concept of God was invented for less cynical people who have in their hearts the innocence and ignorance to trust that life is governed by the whims and will of some divine creature.

i only have in me the belief in the strength of the mind...but would it last?

Backward progress

2010-08-11T03:46:00.001+05:30

While the world moves on, the place I call home progresses backward at a pace that would shame thevproverbial hare. Everytime I call up home I am left depressed at the way things are. Ema said gas cylinders sell at about 2k - what the fuck? And people now cook using firewood or charcoal. Wow, that is progress for us. Soon enough we will go back to the stone ages and maybe start eating everything raw. There is absolutely no hope or desire left in me to go back to the place where my roots are.

Once upon a time, I did think of a future where Imphal featured - of going back home to where I supposedly belong. But now, disgust is all I feel. Because I am so fucking helpless to help my loved ones - my parents would never agree to leaving Imphal for good and money is not going to buy safety or a peaceful existence there.

Once upon a time, there was a place I called home. But now, it is just a name that gives me heartache because I know nothing is going to change. We would slide into the abyss,dragging everything along. Whether we will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix - only time will tell. But we need to burn ourselves before that- get rid of the scums that have inherited Manipur. While other scums like me shed tears and watch from across the ocean.

I feel rootless now - free to pick and choose where I supplant them. But traces of the soil in which I took my first step would always cling to, will always taunt me for deserting it, will always tug at my heartstrings.

not yet dead

2010-08-01T23:38:00.000+05:30

don't write me off because i am still alive - why, don't ask me.

Life has been busy - one day merging into next and the next. And nothing to show for it.

Work - yes, the new place - not new anymore now that i have spent two months there. i was not prepared for the coldness welcoming me - apparently we replaced two people in the team all because of management policy and that did not go down too well with the team. i could understand their antagonism. But, i am glad that in the two months, i have been able to break down barriers and even feel welcome. Not that i want to be miss-popular or anything but it is nice to be appreciated for your good work. So there, i crossed another hurdle. Hurray for the smart one!!

And i found out how much i hate accounting. Now that i have my own company i am supposed to maintain an account of my expenses and all that bull shit. i absolutely hate it. i think there is nothing worse than trying to keep track of where your money goes - i just cannot do it. My sister is so good at it. But i do not even know how and where it goes and i am not too bothered unless of course i go bankrupt - which i just might.

Oh wait, did i say that on my birthday i got the one thing i have been lusting for - now, no dirty thoughts - i got an iMac pro. Yes, the mac i keep mooning about - the only material thing after books i long for. He got his brother-in-law to get it from US and ship it. Wasn't that sweet of him? But, as with all things, now that i have it, i don't use it. i guess i just wanted to have it just for the sake of having it. But i do love the look of it. Yes, i should use it more often. And i should blog too.

Life sucks

2010-05-01T20:50:00.002+05:30

I am depressed, suppressed, oppressed and whatever-pressed. Funny how life sucks the little
goodness out of you. Or rather I suck the goodness out of life. Either way, it sucks.
Would be joining next tuesday. Not too excited - even though officially I am now the CEO of an one man company- how pathetic is that? But I need the dough- don't we all?

Moved to new place - found it not cleaned professionally as promised. Chased the agent like
a bitch in heat for a week. Washing machine not working so washing clothes with my own hands after nearly a decade - how spoiled and snobbish I am becoming.

Need to buy new shoes because I have been wearing the same pair for about an year now- yes, laugh at me, I am fashioned challenged so shoot me- and it has decided to desert me like everything else in life. I have two new pair of shoes lying unloved in the box but I don't want to wear them.

The apartment overlooks a river and I see ducks swimming - and can imagine them swimming in
gravy in my wok.

I am a horrible human being. I am so manipulative and needy at times. I cling when I should
not, I let go when I should hold tight. I trade tears for smiles and wallow in self pity.
I am also clinically depressed I think . And I desperately want to drown in a pool of LSD.

Please commit me to an asylum if you meet me.

Why did I post this crap?

this, that and everything in between

2010-04-13T20:47:00.000+05:30

So i come out from hiding again. The weather has changed - no more dark clouds or white stuff taunting my eyes, reflecting my dark thoughts or blank mind. It is actually sunny outside.

We would be moving house again, to another town. After almost one year at this place. Will i miss it? Will this apartment miss me? i guess apartments on rent are like those ladies of the night - maybe they just move on, without getting their emotions entangled.

We went to view a place - the floor plan on the site made it look like it was as spacious as the one we are in right now. We stepped in and what the (*&^*, it is so tiny - it was one of those 'modern' apartments with open plan kitchen but with the lounge being so small, i could have cooked sitting on the sofa. Since we are really idiots, we had decided we would like the place, looking at the pictures on the net and didn't even fix any other viewings. He thought we could live with for 6 months and move on to a bigger one - the place is some 50 miles away and since we are pressed for time, it was just not possible to go view other apartments. So, i reluctantly said yes and could not digest my dinner that night. i told him maybe we should find some other place - he was annoyed - but in the end, he took time off from office and we have found another place - i still haven't seen it - it overlooks a river. For that alone, it would be worth it, i guess.

It is surprising how much stuff you can accumulate in one year - i have two boxes of books. Maybe he was hoping i would dump them but since we are using a moving van, well, he has no scoring point.

And guess what? i gave up my previous job - yes, the one i got last year - and without another job to fall back on. But then, i really had no choice. In a way, i was glad to let go of it. It was not a bad job - i learned new things - but it was too much like a job job. For the first time in my working life, i felt i was actually 'working'. Everybody was so professional - no leg pulling, no cursing colleagues - i felt like a monkey in a suit. That is what working 8 years in my previous company has done to me - i expect work to be fun, actually look forward to going to work..

The thought of applying for jobs made me cringe - i pretty much made up my mind to work at the tills in the local supermarket - if he was disappointed in my lack of ambition, he did not show it. And then, out of the blue, my previous company steps in like a knight in shining maruti and offered me a job. When i told my friend SN about it, she said i am so lucky.

This is actually what makes me so complacent - as if life was going to sort itself out without my intervention. i always go through life thinking things would always go my way, that if i make a wrong turn, the path will right itself. Someday, i am going to pay for it dearly.

And that is the reason we are moving because the job is in another town. i hope to be able to buy a Mac before the year runs out. Or maybe a cookbook with lots of pictures.

BTW, i have inherited the iPhone from him because he got himself one of the new one - 3gs or whatever they call it. i am half ashamed to be seen with a iPhone - i was happier with my cellotaped-almost-falling-apart Nokia 1100, the one i could only use for making/receiving calls and the rare SMS. This one, with its myriad functions, makes me feel sad. It is like giving a dog a diamond necklace when it rather would have an old rubber ball.

you make me smile

2010-02-19T21:17:00.000+05:30

You, who make my world complete, who can wipe away my sorrows with just a smile, who can brighten my world...And just for you, i want to be a better person so i can deserve you. i love you, my baby.

Extramarital affair a criminal offence?

2010-02-18T19:59:00.000+05:30

Last week, i read an article on e-pao about a couple being thrown into jail for having an extramarital affair. Now, my legal knowledge is not that sound but still, is extramarital affair considered a criminal offence in the eyes of the law?

No, i don't condone such affairs because i believe in the sanctity of the marriage vows but i don't agree with the idea that erring couples should be locked up. After all, we are talking about two consenting adults and not under-aged kids swayed by abundance of hormones. It might not be morally right and can be a ground for divorce, but to incarcerate them? i wonder under which act they were booked under.

Contrast this to the unnerving silence of the custodians of law when it comes to mobs destroying houses of people accused of crime which, going by the news on e-pao, seems to be becoming a regular event in the hell that Manipur has become. i never read anything about the police clamping down on these people who have scant regard for the rights of other people whose only crime is they are related to the accused. We have our priorities all mixed up, i tell you.

the games we played...

2010-02-17T22:23:00.001+05:30

The other day, my sister and i were reminiscing about the games we used to play as kids and how sad it is that they are getting forgotten and would be lost to the next generation.

i was lucky to grow up with a considerable number of playmates in the guise of cousins and siblings. And oh, the games we played - chagai chongbi (the Manipuri version of hopscotch), khulokpi, marum konbi, churup upu, lai phadhibi, chak thongbi, keku lotpi, rangita, swa, amaangbi, utong lakpi, marbles, ludo...

If i ask my younger cousins if they know how to play marum konbi, i know i will get blank stares. Now, it is Mario and other video games. That or watching Ben10 and other cartoons on TV.

i particularly miss playing marbles because, in my younger days, i was a marble champion. i still have marbles stored away under my bed in my old water bottles back in Imphal (well, at least the last time i checked). In fact, when i was young, i thought of making a will (i got the idea of 'wills' from the story books) describing how many marbles should go to each of my siblings and some favourite cousins, the number changing with moods!

i still remember the near-perfectly straight line of marbles lined up, the thrill when you hit the one at the arrowhead (and thus getting all the marbles), the way we used to mutter 'burumbi kangsoi' whenever someone was about to throw a curse to make their aim go awry, the sneaking away in the middle of the game to deposit some marbles when on a winning spree (because the unwritten rule was you could not quit when you are winning so as to give the losers a chance to win back their marbles, the exception being if the tone of the mother calling you to stop playing and do your homework reached the limit beyond which a bashing was guaranteed), begging the winner to please, please lend some marbles when you end up losing everything so you could play the next round, the counting of the marbles at the end of the day, calculating how many you have lost or won, trying to coax the owner of a lucky 'laaga' (the marble used for throwing) to give it in exchange for 10 'ordinary' marbles....

i continued playing marbles even during the vacations when i went home in my college days, much to my parents' embarrassment who could not understand how a grown girl could still jump and shriek with joy playing marbles with kids young enough to call me 'mother'.

How i wish the games of my childhood were still played today. How it saddens me to know that they will fade away, replaced by mindless video games and cartoons. And how lucky i am to have at least experienced it all...

Fly away, my thoughts....

2010-02-16T16:39:00.000+05:30

Even though i have a more than abundant supply of books now, thanks to freecycle, i had another attack of the blues. It was more 'the blacks' than the blues. Do i make sense? No. But then, no one expects me to, least of all, myself.

Sometimes, it is scary how my thoughts hold me at ransom. They go on a rampage, pulling down the shutters on my smiles, zipping up my lips, painting a mist on my eyes. Am i one of those suffering from 'manic depression'? Or maybe i am a hypochondriac? Or maybe, i am just mad, sad or bad?

i keep thinking about, what else but my pet topic, the meaning of life. Is there a meaning to all of this? What use is money, position or whatever that we hanker for in life? i would just be as happy in a village growing cauliflowers as i would be sitting in a cubicle writing lines of code that could/would break or be eaten by bugs, maybe happier. What do i want in life? Why do i worry about things that don't need to be worried about? Why do i search for meanings in the clouds above, in the dead leaves that flutter down? Why can't i find happiness in the ordinary things that people revel in?

How quickly the years pass by. It scares me knowing i will die one day without having found any answers to the questions that gnaw away at the back of my mind. So many years feeding these thoughts and still, they refuse to be appeased. They ask me "But, is that the meaning of life? Is this what you are searching for?". They refused to be fooled.

Oh, how i so wanted to be a butterfly but i know i will die a caterpillar. Now, that is a truth, if ever there was one.

Buzz off!

2010-02-11T21:56:00.001+05:30

When i signed in to my gmail account yesterday, i saw this 'buzz' thingy. Thought it was just one of those 'making-life-better- things they try to promote from time to time. Yes, i am technologically challenged and have the least idea what is happening in the world of technology, so sue me.

Anyway, i saw this "buzz' thing right under my inbox and when i clicked on it, horror of horrors, what do i see but i am 'following' all the people in my chat list and am being followed! Did they ask me whether i wanted to follow someone? Nay. Did they ask me whether i wanted someone to follow me? Nah. Unless, of course, i missed out on something. Now, given my intense dislike for anything that says 'networking', i started biting my nails, trying to figure out how to get rid of my 'followers' and my 'followees'. i 'unfollowed' every single one of the people i was supposed to be following but i could not see anyway to getting rid of my 'followers'. Yes, i am dumb but i already know that so stop reminding me.

Anyway, i did the smart thing and googled to find a way to get this thing to buzz off. And turns out, it is really simple. All i had to do was scroll down to the bottom of the page and there it was 'Turn buzz off'. i was saved and google was forgiven.

Dreams...

2010-02-04T21:57:00.000+05:30

The sand castles i build
On the seashore of my life

One by one
They tumble
Swept away
By the heartless waves of my acrid tears

My dreams call out to me
As they drown
While i stand
Shackled and helpless

Angered, perhaps, by my impotence
They mock at me
In their dying breaths
"Why dream
If you do not have the courage?
Why paint our wings so bright
If you cannot make us fly?"

Alone, i stand
By the corpses of my dreams
And watch in silence
As the vultures feed on them

Memories

2010-02-02T21:16:00.000+05:30

Memories of you
Lodged in a corner of my heart

i pay them infrequent visits
Sometimes, they embrace me heartily
And we talk fondly of old times

Sometimes, they greet me
With muted displeasure
For not visiting them often enough
And serve me tea laced with tears

Sometimes, i arrive at their abode
And find them sitting stone faced
Gathered around a fellow memory
That passed away in the loneliness of the night
Uncared for, un-remembered

The brazen young ones ask me at times
If it was true
That i once was so fertile
And would come by every day
With young memories bundled up with love
Born just the other day
i pretend not to hear them
Or see the silencing looks
The older ones throw at them

As i take my leave
Pretending there are other places to visit
Some wistfully whisper as they hug me
'i might not be around the next time you come'
i glibly lie
'Oh you will outlive me"

And as i walk past the graveyard
Where the souls of dead memories lie
Turning and tossing and longing
To be remembered and brought back to life
i silently mark the empty site
Where i will bury the next one

Salvation

2010-02-01T18:17:00.002+05:30

After a weekend 'harvesting' books for free, i have now a cardboard box overflowing with books. Though i cannot imagine it now, i turned down some books because i could not so many books. The freecycler i went to collect the book from on Sunday was disappointed (and irritated too though i was too elated to notice it!) that i did not take all the books. C'mon, there were about 10 boxes of books and there was no place we could have stored them. Plus not all the books were up my aisle. In my haste to choose the books (he could not find a parking place and wanted me to hurry up), i even picked up a book in an unknown language (only discovered it after i came home)!

And i am happy to say my pride could survive taking things for free! Now if only i could get the generosity to give things away. Maybe, maybe one of these days....

Hang on, help is on the way...

2010-01-29T16:58:00.002+05:30

i am going to meet up tomorrow with a fellow freecycler to swap books. Book swapping - how exciting is that?! i think it would beat wife-swapping or husband-swapping or whatever swapping that goes on in this world.

It is a bit out of character for me to part with my books. i cling on to my books - even tattered ones - like a drunk to his/her bottle. But when i was offered books in answer to my 'Wanted' request, i thought it was only fair to offer the books i have lying around. Some of them are quite cherished books but i thought this was a start. One step at a time to free myself of worldly attachments. i could not, however, part with some books - one given to me by a junior before i left the previous company (i came in to work, saw this book propped up against my desktop. Opened it and saw the inscription inside and was touched almost to the point of tears.), another that i bought with the vouchers i won at the various competitions in my previous company and two that he bought for me from a book sale at his work place.

And then, there is Sunday when i will go to pick up another load of books from a freecycler's place. i did offer him some books in return but he declined.

It is going to rain books this weekend. And i am going to have days of hangover. There is no intoxication like written words.

Drifting again

2010-01-28T17:03:00.000+05:30

i finished the last book two days back and now, my thoughts are on a rampage. My mind is on the loose, thoughts spilling out from every neuron and colliding with each other, thoughts meeting other thoughts and spawning new thoughts, thoughts dying, thoughts crushed in the rush, loud thoughts, soft-spoken thoughts, evil thoughts, angry thoughts, happy thoughts..

Books...i need books like an addict needs his dope.

Where does the road go from here?

2010-01-27T17:57:00.001+05:30

We find ourselves, yet again, on another crossroad - you wonder how many crossroads there ought to be in one's life. Unsure about the future, about where our best interests lie.

i am getting old. i find i want to give my roots and suitcases a rest for a while. But, the gypsy-ness (i made up that word) in me still exists and i want to try new places, see new faces, make new enemies, taste new food. i am a confused bitch, if ever there was one.

What is they say about consoling oneself with the thought that whatever happens, happens for the best? Do they say the same in Haiti? Where are my thoughts leading to? Why do i digress like stray dogs (do dogs digress?)?

Anyway, here we are unsure, of what tomorrow will bring. Of course, some day i will look back and say 'oh, it all happened for the best'. A door slams in your face and we believe another one will open. We are so damn gullible! When a door slams shut, maybe all other doors follow suit. Maybe doors are like most human beings who will always follow the lead of the other. But maybe we will find a rogue door like myself that will force itself open just because others are shut. For that door we wait.

And i know i will never be able to handle disappointments gracefully. i will always sulk, for a while at least, before i gather my wits and think of other ways out. i believe i will sulk even after i am dead. If you see a sulking ghost, disappointed maybe with how people cried over my death or something silly like that, well, it would be my ghost.

Freecycling

2010-01-26T19:26:00.003+05:30

No, it is not cycling for free! i came across this wonderful network when i was searching for books that i could buy cheap and an article suggested i could try this network.

i quote from the site: "The Freecycle Network™ is made up of 4,880 groups with 6,926,000 members across the globe. It's a grassroots and entirely nonprofit movement of people who are giving (& getting) stuff for free in their own towns. It's all about reuse and keeping good stuff out of landfills."

Now, my motive for joining the network was less about saving the environment and more about getting books - and books i can never resist. And free books, that is like dangling a piece of meat before a famished bitch, i mean dog! i searched the group i have joined to see if any books were on offer. There were but they had all been snapped up. So i waited and watched, parked in front of my inbox eagerly waiting for any mail with book in the subject. i finally got one and i replied and got an answer in the positive. It was mentioned i would need a car when i go to collect the books which made my heart sing because it means there are many books. i asked him, very nicely, if he could please drive me to get the books. He said yes. And so, this Sunday we are going to go get the books. i cannot wait for Sunday.

i come from a family of hoarders. My sister hoards clothes like she would be asked to clothe the whole of Ethiopia someday. My mother hoards polythene bags. i hoard books and memories. i have always found it hard to give up things - you think maybe you will need it someday and that day never comes but you still keep it, forgotten in some corner, gathering dust. Once a year, i used to tame the hoarding genes and give away my clothes to the maid. But that was all.

Looking at people offering things because they don't need them anymore and they want someone else to use them instead of holding on to them, i find it motivating. i do have the hang-up of small-minded people of turning my nose up at hand-me-downs (but not when it comes to books!). It is so refreshing to see people offering all kinds of things (clothes, tea bags, TV, et etc) and people taking them without any reservation.

i hope to shed the false pride and take something on offer if i need it. i also hope to murder my hoarding genes and offer things i no longer need so somebody else can put better use to it.

If you find a group in your city, join it. If you have something you don't need anymore, offer it to someone who would be grateful to give it a new home. If you find something on offer that you need, have no qualms about taking it.

The site is freecycle.org.

Ram Ram Ramsay

2010-01-20T15:22:00.002+05:30

Gordon Ramsay. Not on the list of my favourite personalities. But i like Hell's kitchen and Kitchen nightmares where he is the knight in shining apron, helping floundering restaurants get a fresh lease of life. But i don't like the fact that he peppers almost every sentence with the F word. It gets very tiring after a while.

As a part of the ongoing 'Indian Winter' on Channel 4, Gordon is on a culinary journey to India. And he took a break from the tried and tested touristy destinations and went to the North East - more precisely to Assam and Nagaland. We watched the 'north east' episode yesterday night. He went hunting in Nagaland and ate pork with dried bamboo shoots and venison. He went fishing in Assam and tried some Assamese fish delicacy.

i was hoping to see him visit Manipur. But hard luck. Maybe he heard we are a trigger happy society with a fondness for 'outsiders'.

Though i still hate his swearing, i like the fact that he is not afraid of trying out new things. i also like the fact that he seems to have only two t-shirts in the wardrobe he brought to India - blue and pink.

The rat in me....

2010-01-19T21:12:00.006+05:30

The weather is depressing as ever. The trees look gaunt and gloomy - bare branches and twigs not even interested in swaying. It is warm and comfy inside with the heater cranked up. More snow is on the way they say. i love snow.

The class boycott is finally over. The agitators gave in without their demands being met - so you want to ask them what exactly made them give in. It surely was not love for the students - hell, they made them suffer for so many months. Did they get paid off? Don't get me wrong. i am happy it is finally over. But, you seethe at those bastards who burned schools, held the future of the thousands of children at ransom, at their fucking talks of 'life is more precious than education' and now, it seems money is more important than life. They are scum. And i hate the fact that we let them continue with their dirty games. We are a people past redemption. We have let these parasites suck all the goodness out of Manipur. It is just an empty shell now, waiting for the final collapse. Where else would you find such accommodating people like us who would not even manage a whimper against the atrocities committed on us by our own people?

This impotent rage, of knowing that no matter how much you rave and rant, spit and spew, curse and swear, beg and plead - nothing will save us. We just want to wallow in self-pity, wage wars against ourselves, sell our future to the highest bidder.

And, we like rats, will desert this sinking ship. We will transplant ourselves to foreign land, watch snow flakes dance, eat and drink and curse all and sundry. While our parents and family organise their lives around the schedule of power cuts and bandhs. We will call up long distance and hear their weary voices telling us they are going to bed early because the light has gone out again and the inverter has run low because there was no light yesterday too.

And this was the land where i grew up, happy and giggly. The land i left hoping to be back someday. But, the roots are drying up, the wings gathering dust in the corner. And i, i sip hot tea and watch snow flakes dance by the window while my motherland slowly chokes to death. i am a rat and i hate sinking ships. Am i any better than those i curse?

The year that was

2010-01-09T22:02:00.002+05:30

It was a good year for me. It saw me finally being able to cut the umblical cord and bid farewell to a company that had been my cherished home for more than eight years, to relinguish my position as the resident hag. It saw me welcome someone into my life and who has now become the light of my world. It saw me shift base to a land of gloomy weather. It saw me start doing something i have always wanted to, for a change.

The year flew on wings and ended even before i noticed it what with my preoccupation with life. i am still short of patience, still haunted by dark thoughts, still a long way from being perfect. But i live with the undying hope that tomorrow will always dawn for me.

i hope to be able to write more this year, to shake off the ennui that settles on my mind every now and then and to live like tomorrow will never dawn for me. Amen

thoughts gone into hiding

2009-11-25T21:16:00.002+05:30

Do thoughts hibernate in winter? These days, i do less of thinking, which is nice for a change. Sometimes, it can be quite annoying having your thoughts chasing each other around in your head like noisy children playing tag.

Or could it be that i have finally realised the futility of it all? ummm...

The days are shorter now, the weather gloomier. i forget to think, to fret. Would this nice season last? i wonder.

i need to buy some more books. i need to fill this vacuum inside my head. Till the thoughts come out from their dank corners to torment me again, i need something else to occupy myself.

2009-11-11T23:22:00.002+05:30

While i pretty much enjoy the fact that i am a bad person most of the time, sometimes i wish i was able to see a bit beyond myself, if only for the sake of the few people in life i love. Which makes me wonder whether i am mellowing with age. A thought that makes me uncomfortable.

i am very selfish. It is a fact. i could not have inherited it from my mother because she is someone who is so giving, so kind in spite of the hardship life has thrown at her. It cannot be from my father either because he too is generous, sometimes too much for his (and our) own good . Well, from whichever gene pool i inherited it from, i am saddled with it. Though it is not something i am ashamed of. i am selfish because, well, i don't know why exactly.

But sometimes, when my selfishness gets in the way of the happiness of those i hold close to me, it saddens my heart (oh yes, i do possess one even though it is black).

Sometimes, i do envy those who seem to find happiness in other's happiness. Something i feel i am incapable of. You see i have to be happy myself for me to even think of making anyone else happy.

Which explains why i have always end up hurting the people i love the most. Because they expect things from me that i cannot give since i do not possess them. And while i try to exonerate myself saying it is their own fault for having expectations in the first place, sometimes, just sometimes, i wish for a drop of kindness in me.

And i am drinking juice that is beyond the best-before-date. Why, i don't know. Do i expect to find that elusive drop in 'expired' juice? i am so fit for the loony bin.

Life ...or the lack of it

2009-11-09T20:21:00.003+05:30

The view from the window has changed. From trees well-clothed to naked ones shivering in the wind. And i wonder whether the branches are happy to be alone for some months without the weight of the leaves clinging to them like responsibilities. Or whether they miss them, their whisperings and dancing..And i wonder why i try to read too much into things that just might have no meaning.

Talked to SC after such a long time. Times were when we spent more time with each other then our respective life partners. i miss the corner of the project room that we had reserved for ourselves when we moved into the new building. We used to sit next to each other and gossip like two old ladies. And fight like cats and dogs. i miss the way we used to bully the kids, rag them till they begged for mercy. Oh such wicked souls we were and i hope we still are. Before leaving, i told him to keep my cubicle intact for me in case i come back and rejoined. i forgot to ask him whether it still is empty or whether someone has been allocated to it.

And i am not on talking terms with him. Which is difficult since it is one way. It started off with a small tiff and since i do so love being bitchy, i decided to see through him. He, being so good natured and all that, was cool after a few days. But not me. No, no. Since i have a propensity of bearing grudges (albeit for a short time - if there is anything like bearing a short-term grudge), i ignored all of his advances to bury the hatchet or whatever it is that we are supposed to bury. But i am not yet unsalvageable - i was good enough to point out by pantomiming that he had missed a call when he was in the other room. Of course, i could not ruin my hard earned reputation as a bitch by going over and handing him the phone when it rang.

i wonder whether i would be able to take over the reins in hell.

and the valley was really green.....

2009-11-06T23:08:00.002+05:30

It has been a long time since i read a book and not wanted to reach the last page for fear of losing the pleasure of sinking into the words. And such a book was "how green was my valley"...

Sometimes the written words takes me to places i probably would never go. i could almost hear the nightingales singing. So heart-warming a story, so elegantly written. It somehow reminded me of "to kill a mockingbird". Maybe it was the way both the stories touched my cold heart.

And my heart is glad to know this is but the first of a series of four books. So i will be hunting for the next three -Up, into the singing mountain; Down where the moon is small and Green, green my valley now.

And on a completely different (and bitchy) note, it tickles me pink sometimes to read the news on e-pao.net because whoever is reporting seems to think big and difficult words make for an impressive article/report (and the usage and grammar making me wonder whether there is no editor for that news service). Yeah, i am snobbish. But i just wish they realise that there is elegance in simplicity. No offence meant to the site though because i rely on it for news on what is going on in the valley of mine that was also once green.

How green was my valley

2009-11-04T20:54:00.002+05:30

i picked up this book on a whim. Heard about it before but was not sure whether i would like it. And god, i love it. i am about halfway through and i am left wondering why i didn't read it earlier. Obviously because you did not have it. Oh shut up...(that is one half of me talking to the other.)

"Not that i am not satisfied with what i have become, or that i am where i am. Only that if i had not think things for myself and find things for myself, i might have had a happier life judged by ordinary standards....."

--- How green was my valley by Richard Llewellyn

That is exactly how i feel sometimes.....

Swearing my mouth off

2009-11-02T17:52:00.002+05:30

i actually grew up in a nice family - difficult to believe when you consider how i turned out! A family where swearing was not allowed, where you were supposed to answer with 'Aiga' (a corruption of the hindi word 'aagya' - 'your command')whenever anyone called you. So i grew up not dirtying my mouth with Manipuri swear words. Some of my classmates used to pepper their sentences with words never heard inside our house - even today, i do not know the meaning of some of the swear words. The strongest swear word i used was 'hingchabi' (witch).

Then high school happened. So i graduated to using 'damn' and 'shit'. But never at home.

Then i moved to another city, another life. Hostel, new friends...And since i was/am no angel and home was so far away, swear words came into my life. Fast and furious. To make up for all those lost years. And one day, i gathered enough courage to say the F word out loud. i don't remember whether i felt liberated spitting out that word. Like they say, the next time is always easier - be it murder or swearing. At one stage, i used it pretty liberally - to emphasize my point or just to shock people and myself. Since almost everybody else around me was using it, it felt less obnoxious.

Then work happened. And the F word went hibernating, unable to withstand the niceties of office life. Out came small-time galis. And from K, who used to be my next door cubicle mate, i imbibed the habit of saying 'sala'. 'Sala' became my favourite swear word. When SC and i used to have our everyday fights in the office, it would go like 'tui sala' 'tor khandaan sala'...

Then 'harami' came into the picture and sala and harami made such a nice pair. Of course, i never could bring myself to say harami out loud for the whole project to hear. i only used it with SC and SM in private. And we came up with this beautiful gali - salami (sala + harami). So we used to go like 'Salami' and no-one was any the wiser.

Since moving here, i don't have anyone to swear at. My new colleagues are squeaky clean and i am afraid they would go up in flames if i were to swear at them. So i only get to swear when i talk to SM or SC or when i chat to SN (the poor girl - she has now resorted to swearing - i am the bestest bad apple around). i use the F word now very sparsely. Sometimes when i am angry, really really really fire-spitting angry with him, in my posts when i am really disturbed, sometimes silently in my head when i rant at life...

But till today, i have never been able to swear in Manipuri. The only time i ever said a bad Manipuri swear word was when i was really small and i was used (very willing, i must add) by all my bigger cousins as a parrot to say the things they dare not. i remember being taken to a tailor's by my teen-aged cousin along with her friends and all along the way, they taught me what to say. i was a very eager beaver then and i remember reciting their script complete with swear words at the tailor! i don't remember whether i was punished when words got around about it. But that was the last time i ever sweared in Manipuri. Sala!

existential nonsense

2009-10-27T21:10:00.004+05:30

i look out from the window and see the golden leaves swaying in the wind and wonder whether they know it would not be long before they fall down. And i wonder about life, about hope, about love. i have one moment filled with this incredible lightness of being - when you know nothing matters in this life. But soon, that moment is swept away, as always. And i find myself back in the land of the living and worrying lot.

Why do these thoughts torment me? These thoughts of not knowing who i am, what i really want in life. i am the kind that would miss out on life because i am too busy trying to find the 'meaning' of my existence. Only to realise that life has passed me by while i was busy trying to figure it out.

For someone so intelligent, i can be such a fool at times!!

love...

2009-10-16T23:32:00.002+05:30

"...Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after a while you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can hurt you no more."

--Ray Bradbury's the foghorn

@######$%^&

2009-10-15T20:36:00.001+05:30

It is just so hopelessly frustrating when you know the place you call home is overrun by such f%^&#$^@# morons. i am talking about the so called student unions who are forcing schools and colleges to boycott classes - the fate of the entire student community held at ransom by a handful of people who call themselves students.

Who are these people? What right do they have to force thousands of students to give up their studies to further their cause - whatever their cause is? You begin to despair for those students with dreams of pursuing higher studies. Apparently, the student bodies are threatening the board of education not to go ahead with exam plans. They talk about right to life and they play with the lives of thousands.

Now where are those so called saviours of our society? Where are those meira paibis? They will never be there when it counts. i guess they are too busy 'collecting' others' hard earned money or too busy meting out 'justice'.

When will this madness cease?

quote unqoute

2009-10-13T20:23:00.000+05:30

“I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others”

--marcus aurelius

the art of sulking

2009-10-12T20:48:00.002+05:30

Some people are born to be nice. Some to be famous. i was born to be a sulker. To sulk over everything and nothing. To sulk when he cannot read my mind and do or say the things i expect him to without my prompting him. To sulk if the sun does not shine on days when i expect it to. To sulk if things do not go the way i want them to. To sulk just because i feel like sulking.

i love sulking. In fact i think i am addicted to sulking if there is such a thing as getting addicted to a state of mind.

If my mother could be believed, and all mothers should be believed, i have been sulking since birth. Sometimes for valid reasons.Sometimes for no rhyme or reason. Which makes living with me a kind of art - to decipher the reasons for my sulking and wait for it to end. When i sulk, all i want is to be left alone, not to be talked to (or talked about), to wait for it to subside just like you wait for the tides to ebb.

i can sulk for days. i can sulk for weeks. i can even sulk for a month - though the last time i did that was about a decade back. Now that i am supposed to be a responsible adult - whatever that means - the most i can afford now is days.

i love sulking because i think it gives me a chance to withdraw into my shell without anyone prodding and poking me and i get to talk to myself for hours! If i had any sense i should have denounced this world and be daydreaming in some dark cave somewhere in the himalayas. But i guess it is too late now that i have managed to get myself shackled to ties of love.

So i continue to sulk. As a devious means to get my way. Sometimes to get out of fights. Sometimes to pick fights. To escape.

The more i reflect on my nature, the more warts i find. The more warts i find, the more besotted i become with myself. It is almost as if my mind is trying to compensate for the lack of love a nature like mine would most likely encounter. It will forever remain a mystery to me why i am still loved by everyone i want to be loved by. Maybe they fear i will start sulking!!

P.S. Apropos of my previous post, my sister finally did the needful. Which made me realise that i am only taken seriously when i am angry. Now, who can blame for being such a short-tempered hag?

family feud and other such asinine things

2009-10-09T21:00:00.004+05:30

OK, so i called up home and refused to have a proper conversation with my ema and baba. Before you judge me unkindly (not that i would mind very much), here is the story.

One of my relatives got married last week. He is someone who has always treated me like a sister when i was growing up - he used to get me books from library and buy me indrajal comics. Unfortunately, due to some misunderstanding, his mother and siblings had a falling out with my uncle. They are next door neighbours on top of being our relatives. i don't know how the social system works, but my parents also ended up not being invited to the wedding even though they had no part in the misunderstanding.

Now, that is one of the biggest social snubs as far as my parents are concerned! It is a funny thing how people take offence at being left out - i am all too happy whenever i am not featured on any invitation list. i heard about it from my younger sister with whom i spend hours on long distance calls gossiping about every possible events and non-events. i being the insensitive bitch as always, i called up my parents and said "i heard you people were not invited to the wedding" and started laughing as if that was the greatest joke i have ever heard. i think my father was hurt and he asked me whether that made me happy. i was like how does it matter at all whether you got invited or not. That is not the story though.

i asked my mother to go and give Da (brother, just like in bengali!) some money on my behalf as a wedding gift. My mother went 'OK'. Now, i called up after a few days and asked her whether she has done that. No. So i told her if she did not want to go there herself, she should ask my elder sister (who got invited, i think because she is married and maybe, they consider her no longer of our family..how silly!!). She said OK. Now i called up after a few days and asked the same question. No. Now, i am not a patient person but still, i held my peace. She said she would wait for my younger sister to come and let her do the needful. Thus pacified, i went on with my life.

i called up today and talked to my sister and asked her whether she went to Da's place. No. i really lost it then. i know how they feel snubbed and all that but i have been telling them not to drag me into their fights. i do want to be part of any feud weud. Da has always been so nice to me - like a big brother i never had. And i could not understand why their pride has to stand in the way of my wish. Judging that i was losing my infamous temper yet again, ema said she will make my elder sister go there tomorrow morning. i told her i don't like them and don't want to talk to them anymore. i know i am so cruel. But i just hate all these petty things. All i ask is not to be dragged into it. Is that too much to ask for? i have only one life to live and i don't want it to be cluttered with any more negative thoughts than is necessary. As it is, my head is already messed up with stupid existential questions and dreams.

My sister says i am an escapist because, as much as i love gossip, i hate hearing the stories of family feuds - this aunt saying that, doing this. It really gets me depressed because i cannot figure how why people has to be so petty to fight over land or money. i just cannot figure out how siblings can be cruel to each other, say hurtful things. i can never figure out the ways of this world. Hell, i cannot even figure out myself.

i am sad. And angry.

blah blah

2009-10-06T20:29:00.005+05:30

My sister has gone home. She must be feasting on all those delicacies. Playing with my little cousins and niece. My heart is filled with envy.

i have three books with me right now - 'lady in white', 'red' and 'a house for mr biswas' - half digested and discarded midway. Now i cannot decide which one to pick up again. Or whether to pick up any at all.

And i want to eat dosa. The nearest south indian restaurant is about half an hour by bus. Since there is no parking space we cannot go by car. i had to trawl the net searching for any place that would sell me dosa, then beg him to take me there. He is not a dosa fan but because of my silent nagging (yes, there is such a thing as silent nagging. i think some people call it sulking), we did go there about three months back. He got dosa mix and made dosa for me the other week. He was over the moon because he thought the dosa was delicious. i agreed with him - it was the love behind the effort rather than the taste that i appreciated!

And i want to do lsd. Just once. i want to feel what it is like to 'see' sound and 'hear' vision. Ironically enough, i have had this desire after i read the chapter on the harmful effects of drug in high school!! i would also like to be a waitress.

And i know my life will end without me getting on a 'trip' on lsd or taking orders from diners. shesh.

another one of those meaningless posts

2009-10-05T21:01:00.002+05:30

The weather is becoming brittle - every now and then the clouds break into droplets, the sun hides, the trees moan and sigh in the wind. And my mind goes blank every now and then, devoid of thoughts and dreams. i float in and out of reality, one foot in dreamland, another hovering over reality.

After another one of my unexplained break-ups with books, i got back again with the written words. And as always, i find myself living the stories. i am in the middle of two or three books - with age i am becoming more fickle. Years ago, i would not have been able to even think of starting a book before finishing one. Now, i flit from one to the next, leaving unfinished stories hanging on a line. Sometimes, i go back to finish the story. Sometimes, i just bury them. Pretty much like most of my fragmented dreams.

These days i find i am searching for nothing. i am empty. Drained.

It could pretty well be the weather. Either that or i am mellowing, rather fading. i think i want more books. i think i want to get high on grass and talk to the stars. i think i want to sleep and have another one of my recurring dreams. i think i am so losing it.

Ema always used to worry about me and my ceaseless thinking - she used to say i will go mad one day. i think i am already mad.